Let’s Talk About Suicide

In this episode, Brannon talks about the deep pain behind suicidality, the different types of suicidal thoughts, and the critical need to move beyond just prevention to true healing. He explores risk factors like mental illness, trauma, chronic pain, and social pressure, and emphasizes the importance of creating a life worth living.

Transcript (Tap to Toggle)
let’s talk about suicide Welcome to the Therapy Brothers
podcast I’m Brandon I’m Tyler We’re brothers We’re therapists And we know
recovery Bring your stories your questions your successes with real
[Music] recovery Hey Tyler you ready to have
some hard conversations Let’s do it Let the Therapy Brothers podcast begin Hello
everybody Welcome to this episode of the Therapy Brothers Podcast Today it is
just one brother It’s just me Brandon Um I think Tyler’s done a lot more episodes
on his own and uh so I owe him And uh I
The pain behind suicidality
you know I’m going to take this opportunity to talk about something that might be hard to talk about but I think
something that’s really important to talk about Um and it hits home for me pretty
closely for several reasons And I’m going to share that with you and talk about why
Um you know when you saw the the title of this episode it maybe wasn’t
something that was like “Wow that’s exciting to listen to Um that’s something that I want to think about.”
And I know that it’s not a fun topic and I know that it’s not a fun thing to
think about but at the same time I believe it’s something that we need to talk about and it’s something that we
need to uh continue to bring to the surface and address on different levels
And I’m going to talk about that today What you know what’s going on here Um I
live in a place where suicide is all too common Um you know my my daughter going
Two types of suicidal thoughts
to school she’s had a couple of people just this year in her school who have
committed suicide Um there’s been a wave lately of
uh parents of of uh the kids at my daughter’s school who have committed suicide I think there’s been four or
five this year Um uh you know working with individuals
working with couples um you know people get in places where
there’s a lot of hopelessness They feel stuck They feel like there’s no way
out And um when they get to those places then suicidality starts to come up
And um you know I I did a I remember well of
course I remember this um it’s probably 11 years ago I did a really
intense couple session and um we were confronting some things and
it was it was hard It was a really difficult session and it seemed to go okay
Um but then that night the guy um went home and
overdosed Um and you know it rocked my world cuz
it made me question everything about everything I did in that session
Um but more than anything it just made me sad Sad for him sad for his wife all
of those things Um my my mom and her um some some of
family members cousins aunts uncles um they went and did a long walk uh
across the desert a week ago um to to bring up suicide prevention and
to to talk about it And the reason is because in my family suicidality is very
common Unfortunately um I have a cousin who’s committed
suicide I have another cousin who has had several attempts I have an uncle
who’s committed suicide And um it’s something that is really hard uh
for us in our family and hits home really closely I remember when I was a really
young kid one of my first memories I I don’t know how old I was maybe I was four years old but I remember my mom
really stressed out Um and something was going on I didn’t know what
um but that was the night that my uncle took his life So one of my earliest
childhood memories was um just the the pain and the sadness and
the intensity around that event Um why am I telling you all this
Um I’m telling you all this because it it it really matters to me It matters to
me a lot And I think if we could look at some things and make some changes and
shift some things maybe things could improve
I was talking to a good friend of mine yesterday who’s who’s been suicidal in his life and he was
saying when you get to those depths you don’t you don’t understand it unless you’ve been
there You don’t get it unless you’ve been there And I think that’s one of the the
issues is you know a lot of people who are suicidal one they’re e they’re either
hiding it or two those who they are talking to about it don’t actually
understand what they’re saying don’t understand how much pain they’re actually
Alarming suicide statistics
in Um I see suicidality that there’s
there’s different types of it Um there’s the type where somebody is in so much pain that they just want an escape They
just want out They want that they want to not feel the all of the pain and the
hopelessness anymore Um but I also see the other type
which is a cry for help Um a cry
for significance They want people to run to them to care for them to to to say
don’t do it we love you Um and to me though it’s very different And I’m not
saying uh you know one is better than the other anything like that but it’s a very different thing somebody in their
silence in their pain that doesn’t they’re not really thinking about how
much everyone will miss them and this and they’re they’re just in that pain you know And then and then there’s
someone who who uses that threat for power for significance for for being
seen and and caretto for Um neither one is good
Neither one is okay And that person who’s crying out for help and wanting wanting to be seen they’re saying that
they’re in a lot of pain too right
Um every year uh we lose approximately
800,000 young people to suicide Yeah you that number was
accurate 800,000 um 15 to 29 year olds commit
suicide Um that number is way too high That’s
the second leading cause of death for that age range 15 to 29 year
olds I don’t know what the leading cause is I would guess
um I would guess something that has to do with suicide too something like drug
overdose Um
so the it begs the question as to why
Cultural and religious pressure
like how how how have we gotten here and why why are the numbers so high um me
living in where I live and it seems like um suicide and maybe I’m wrong on this
but it seems like suicide is more prevalent around where I live Um you
know I can theorize uh what’s going on Um there’s a high high demand
religion There is a culture of perfectionism There are standards to
meet Um and many people especially many young people feel like they just don’t
have what it takes to live up to what they need to live up to And they’re constantly living in this state of
deficiency of I’m broken I’m not enough as I am If people really knew me um they
wouldn’t love me or accept me God doesn’t love and accept me because of my sins Um I need to I need to have uh high
enough grades and things so that I can get into certain schools
Um and just feeling like I I I I
I’m not good enough A lot of pressure
Mental health and lifestyle factors
um is there to fall into a certain box and be a certain thing so that you’re
okay Um I think that coupled with uh an
overall um just kind of the the way that
societyy’s going a lack of health and good mental health practices Instead of uh riding our bikes
we just numb out on screens all day long
Um we eat junk which causes inflammation which makes us feel
horrible Um and then mix that with social media that’s telling you that you
should be fit and like all this stuff put together is just like gh I’m not
living I’m not thriving and I feel horrible and I feel hopeless
Um I’m going to go down a list here of the um the signs like what I want to go
go through are the things that people have if they are at risk of suicide um
like and if they have these things it’s it’s scary because these things um often
times if there’s multiple of these things then suicidality is a real
risk Um so you know one of the things they I
I’ll get to that in just a minute that list But I I want to say this one of the things they talk about for suicide
prevention is taking away um the the means uh to to take your own life And so
things like if you’re suicidal it’s not smart to hang around a loaded gun right Um if you’re suicidal that bottle of
pills like it might be a bad idea to just have them there in your cupboard and easy access to them
Um and I think that’s true I think that’s absolutely smart to and and I
I’ve asked people as a therapist you know I I get very specific What guns do you have in your
Risk factors for suicide
house How much access do you have to them How you know what have you thought about and how
would you do it and do you have access to the means to do it Now that is like that is suicide
prevention but to me that’s like just stopping somebody from actually doing it
is not nearly enough to address the issue Like we got to we got to ask the
question why are they in that place emotionally and spiritually where they’re feeling like
they want to kill themsel Why are they there How did they get
there And how do we address the things so that they don’t stay in that place anymore We don’t just want to prevent
Past attempts and mental illness
them from killing themselves We want to help them live We want to help them thrive
We want to help each other live and thrive All right here’s the list that uh
puts somebody at risk Um one of the biggest risks is that
they’ve had a previous attempt So if they’ve had a previous attempt that’s it’s dangerous if they’re still suicidal
Um the next thing is that there’s a history of mental
uh illness And so if there’s depression if
there’s a bipolar um borderline I could go down the list
but if there’s a history of mental illness issues then suicidality uh the risks of of suicide
increase And I think that’s kind of obvious Um another one is there’s chronic pain
Chronic pain and legal problems
which would make sense Like we’re talking physical pain back pain whatever it is If you’re in chronic pain then you
start thinking about escaping that pain Um and like I said people can have
several of these Um if they have legal problems that increases risk of suicide
you know things that they get into that they just think “What’s my way out here
I don’t I how do I get out of this I have several fel felonies I can’t get a job I’m looking at going to jail again
Like I I’m on probation forever Like I I can’t get out of
this.” You know you mix that with a little bit of chronic pain and a mental illness that they’re really in danger
um job or financial problems again feeling stuck not knowing
what to do Um impulsive and aggressive
Financial stress and impulsivity
tendencies Men I I don’t I don’t know the statistic for sure but it’s more than 2 to one I think are successful at
completion of suicide over women And that the reason for that is this one is
that um they are more violent They are more aggressive with the way that they
go about it Um I believe that white males are the
highest uh number for suicide which is
interesting if you think about it What’s going on with white males these days
Gender and racial trends in suicide
Um not to say that other other demographics don’t struggle but
something about the white male right now is pushing them into a lot of these
issues and problems which are leading to this hopelessness
um substance use um obviously not helpful when it comes to
to suicide prevention but it’s such a catch 22 because on one hand those substances are
numbing all the pain and on another hand they’re causing a lot of the pain So
it’s addiction It’s it’s being stuck in that Uh on one hand I can’t get rid of
it cuz I need it because I don’t want to deal with all my pain On the other hand
it’s taking my life away from me All the consequences are coming
Um so like I think of the the story I told
that guy was getting sober That guy had been sober for a couple months
And what what’s interesting about that is I I I remember hearing things like
“God gosh I’m finally feeling all my feelings that I haven’t felt for so long and it’s
hard.” So in his sobriety in his recovery work that’s what pushed him over the edge for
suicide Um and then the last thing is that you
have unresolved past trauma So if there’s past
abuse um wounds issues that you haven’t dealt with that can lead to
suicide Um which which makes sense There’s there’s stuff inside of you that’s
eating at you that’s you know there’s there’s demons in there And if you
haven’t processed your trauma then that stuff stays in you until until you either process your trauma or escape the
The impact of unresolved trauma
pain All right so I’m going to run down these really quickly one more time Previous attempt history of mental
health issues chronic pain legal problems financial problems impulsive or
aggressive tendencies substance use and undelt with past trauma
Okay So if you have a family member or a friend who has mentioned suicidality and
they have these things then take them serious
please Now something I want to talk about with this is is prevention And but
before I really get into prevention um I I want to I’m going to say a hard
truth which is really difficult
Um if somebody really wants to do it they can that we can’t take the free will
away from somebody even when it comes to this And I think the reason I say that
is because family members and friends so often put so much of the blame on
themselves And they just think “If only if I if I could have done this if I could have done
that I wish that I would have said this or I wish that I would have you know
tried harder with the relationship or whatever it is.” And you know what Maybe you could have done all those things and
at the same time that that person has their own free
will You can’t completely stop anybody from that decision I guess you could lock them up
or something You could commit them to a hospital that that’s happened But even
then right So that’s not a fun reality But the reason why it’s important to understand that is so that you can do
the best that you possibly can and love that person as much as you
possibly can But at the same time understand that if something bad
were to happen that it is not your fault I’ve heard horrific stories
of like I hesitate telling these
stories but I’m going to I’m going to tell one um story of a couple They got in a big
fight and he was saying to her like he can never live up to her standards and
be good enough for her And then he pulled out a gun and took his life Now he is
literally he’s literally in that moment trying to put blame on her and it was
it’s still not her fault at all Like that is not her
fault Um you
know we get in these uh interpersonal situations where we feel responsible and
this is where the boundaries thing really comes into play We feel responsible to make sure that we can
caretake for others And sometimes a suicidal person will try to wrap you up
in that because the ultimate fear is that they might take their own life
And I think it’s important to understand that you having those boundaries is still
important I was working with a a young kid He was probably 23 24
years old who was uh struggling with drugs and alcohol His parents didn’t want him to
do it in their house They asked him to they they told him they said if you use again in our home we’re going to ask you
to leave and they decided to do that because they loved
him It was a hard decision for them And sure enough he
relapsed got kicked out of the house committed suicide that
day That’s not mom and dad’s fault They were fighting for him
They were doing the best they could for him All right
Um so when I talk about prevention I want you to know that you don’t have
complete control and you don’t have the choice for other people
Um so um there’s there’s three things that
really work for um somebody who’s struggling And the the
first one is just connection And this is a hard one because somebody who is
actively suicidal often times they’re depressed and they’re isolating
So they’re not showing exactly how they’re feeling Sometimes sometimes they
will sometimes they’ll tell [Music] you but this is why like in our training
as therapists they train us to to ask those direct questions and to dig in
pretty quickly and pretty deeply with people So if someone’s kind of saying
something like “I don’t you I just don’t know if I want to live anymore.” I won’t I won’t just like hear that and be like
“Oh well that that yeah like that’s hard.”
No Um I take that really seriously Tell me more about
that Have you had a lot of thoughts about that What type of thoughts have you
had How far have you taken it Have you ever made a plan
Have you ever done anything toward that plan Like have you
ever like went and looked for the bottle of pills I don’t say like that to them
but I’m like that that’s that question I’m trying to I’m trying to ask They might say “Yeah you know I went in into
my bathroom and looked and I Okay Um so what I’m assessing in that
moment is how serious is this person?” And I’m asking these direct questions
because they won’t answer anybody and they won’t tell anybody these things unless they’re asked
directly And I’m I’m assessing how serious the suicidality
is They need connection They need somebody who’s saying “I care I want to
listen Um tell me Open up Where are you at I want to know.”
All right Um and I know that can be hard It can be hard with kids because kids often times will isolate in their
feelings They don’t feel safe with mom and dad so they don’t open up And I’ve
seen it really be helpful for teenagers to have a good therapist that they can open up to outside of mom and dad They
whoever it is they just need connection People need connection Not just teenagers everybody
They need collaboration between a system that is helping them Okay So whether it’s
teachers friends church members um the community collaborates to help
them How can we show up for this person who’s
hurting Um and they need to know that they have choices in their life Like if you’re
stuck with that chronic pain those legal problems the financial problems even a mental illness that you’re thinking how
do I handle this You need to know that hey I can go and I can there’s always
hope I know I know there’s pain I know it’s really really hard but what are my choices to deal with this mental illness
What are my choices to deal with these legal problems What are my choices to deal with these financial issues or
whatever they may be What are my choices to deal with my past trauma You can look at your past trauma and say
“I don’t have any choices It’s me This is my life.” But the reality is is you
absolutely can go and heal You absolutely can dig your way out of debt
one penny at a time But how What’s my choice to do that I need to know that
there’s options So a lot of times this is education It’s mentorship It’s
understanding that yeah someone’s been in this position before I’m not alone in this and there is a way that I can get
out So connection collaboration and
choice We have to look at the bigger issues We have to look at society as a
whole What’s going on How are we not
healthy Why is there so much shame and secrecy Why do we live with poor
health Why is there so much pressure to
perform And how can we challenge some of these paradigms that we live under that are getting the outcomes of
800,000 I’ll call them kids killing
themselves Maybe we need to bring in a little more connection to the
earth Maybe we need to get out of our thinking about I need to look a
certain way in order to be good enough are body shaming issues
money sex like all of these things We think that there’s a box that we have to
fit into in order to be okay And when our life doesn’t fall into that place we then think we’re somehow flawed or
broken or not okay overall Maybe we need to have a society that’s more inclusive
and accepting of what is and less shaming
I could go on and on about this If you get anything out of this
episode today and I know this is heavy and this is hard but if you get anything out of this episode today if there’s
somebody in your life that you get that intuitive thought or that intuitive
feeling inside of you of like I should check in with them then do
it Like follow through with that
They need a little bit of love They might not be suicidal but something inside of you and
that intuition is saying connection like they they need it And it might be uncomfortable for you to reach out Do it
anyways Tell them how much you love them Tell them that you’re there for them Um tell them that you can hold some
of their pain Thank you for listening to this I hope
it was helpful in some way Um if it makes you feel sad let yourself
feel sad I’m feeling sad right now I really appreciate you guys
listening You guys are heroes You guys are people who work on yourself who don’t don’t take hopelessness as an
answer or you wouldn’t be listening to this So I really appreciate you and until next time keep on keeping
On

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