How Do I Learn To Trust Myself To Keep My Commitments?

2026 is going to be an awesome year. We got some pretty cool stuff coming up. First off, we got Foundations ofRecovery. This is our flagship program. We’re starting it in January. This is for anyone, man, woman, or couple whowants to come and reclaim their heart from shame, trauma, and betrayal. We start off with an education on all sortsof principles. Give you the common language. We feed you from a fire hose in terms of all things recovery. It issuch a great start to recovery. And we get to the roots of things, Tyler. This isn’t like any other program. Like, thisis our healing journey in process. And Foundations is where we begin. If youlook at the value that you’re getting there to kick off a good recovery with all of the right education, all of theright language, and a team to get you started while also being directed by Brandon and myself through the wholeprocess. What a deal. So, we if you’re interested, if you’re struggling, if you’ve been wanting to do something fora long time, jump into this. This only comes around every so often and we would love to have you there. Click the linkin the description to sign up for it. And to make it even sweeter, we’re also including a raffle for a free pass tothe Radiant Dawn retreat. Anyone who signs up for foundations will be added to the raffle for that free radiant dawnpass. If you’re a man and you sign up for foundations, your name still gets entered and you can give that pass awayif you win it to any woman that you want to. So, what you’re saying, Tyler, is if you sign up and participate infoundations, you could possibly go to Radiant Dawn for free. That’s exactly what I’m saying, which iscrazy because Foundations by itself is already an insane value. Man, I sound so salesy,but it actually is awesome. So, come like come to Foundations. And even if you don’t come to Foundations, sign upfor Radiant Dawn. I It’s beyond therapy, the best healing experiences that you can have. Click the link below and comejoin us. How do I learn to trust myself to keep my commitments?What’s up you guys? Welcome to the Therapy Brothers podcast. I’m Brandon. I’m Tyler. We’re brothers. We’retherapists. We’re not afraid of your questions. So bring it.[Music]Okay, that’s an important question. Um, one that I think most humans strugglewith to some degree. So, uh, this topic as we talk about it today, I think willbe applicable to most people. Um, but it will also be really applicable for Ithink addiction recovery and things like that. So, um, you guys, I’m here alone.Tyler’s off this week. He’s out of town. I don’t know what he’s doing. He’s probably in the mountains riding horses.Hopefully, he’s not falling off a horse or something. But whenever he goes out, he’s just like in the wildernesssomewhere doing crazy stuff. So, that’s where Tyler is. Um, I hope he’s safe.But, uh, not to worry, I got an awesome guest today. Uh, his name is Dax, andI’m so grateful that, uh, that he’s here. Um, I’ve known him for a little while, but not very well. Um, but we meta while ago. And, uh, I’ll just let Dax kind of share his story a little bit, introduce himself, and then we’ll diveright into the questions. So, Dax, take it away.All right. Uh, yeah, like Brandon said, my name is Dax. Uh, really, it’s Daxon, but only only my family really calls methat these days. So, um, I guess just a little bit of my story. Um, I’m a I amin recovery from an addiction to pornography. So, um, and and Brandon, Iwant to say I I was really thinking about using an alias coming into this. Um, do you want to change? Do you want tostart over? No, no, no, no, no. I was going to say I like coming in even coordinating it withthe secretary I I uh was like I’m going to use an alias and then I thought about it and said well no cuz I mean it’s mystory and I can own it and uh if anybody is listening who knows me and doesn’t know my story yet um I think the factthat they’re listening to this podcast gives them the right to know it. So boom Dax I love it. Listen to thatcourage you guys. That’s freaking awesome. I love people owning their story, owning their stuff. Um, throwingit out there because that’s what kills shame, you know? I just What do you gotto hide, Dax? You know, and yeah, um, you’ve learned a lot through your recovery, so here you are. Maybe you’reouting yourself a little bit, but thank you for your courage. Yeah, thank you. Um, so yeah, I wasinitially exposed to pornography around age 11 or 12 and just kind of developedan addiction from there. Um, I was lucky to have a good amount of friends in high school who I uh I opened up with. Um,um, my my best friend through high school also struggled with a pornography addiction and he and I were constantlyuh trying to work together to overcome it in various ways, but didn’t never have the real tools. So, uh, sobrietynever lasted. Um, my, uh, my addiction was as strong as it had ever had beenwhen I when I met my girlfriend, Emily. Um, I was, I was 17 years old and, uh,she and I went out on a date and, uh, on our on our third date, I asked her to bemy girlfriend. Um, we moved really quick. Uh, and that night, I I kind of I I I quit cold turkey like the morning ofour first date. Um, and uh, that night I kind of though when I asked her to be mygirlfriend, I beat around the bush, sort of told her I had an addiction, but uh, never outright said what it was and andjust kind of opened up a little more as our relationship grew. Um, and uh, about2 months in, I had my first my first relapse. I mean, I had that that sobriety, but it was really unfounded.And where I’m at in recovery now, I know for a fact there were some things that I did in that two months that I would havecalled a relapse now. But um from there I I had pretty inconsistent relapses uhthrough the relationship with Emily. Um and most of the time I was I was honestand upcoming with them. But uh probably about six well more like eight monthsinto our relationship I I lied to her about some relapses for the first time and she found out about them. And then acouple months later I I lied again um and continued to relapse every coupleweeks after that. and and kept them from her. And then the relapses became more frequent as I detached more and morefrom myself and from her. Um, and so I was I was keeping keeping that from herfor several months until uh all the guilt caught up with me one night and Iknew I needed to change something and and my energy changed. I was carrying around so much guilt and shame and forthe next two weeks like I was sober and I was like hurting really bad and Emily could tell something was off. Um, and Iwas like trying to get up the guts to tell her what had happened, but eventually she she sort of probed andand I opened up about everything and uh we almost broke up. Um, I think the onlyreason we didn’t was because of codependency at that point. Um, but sheuh she went to a family therapist like the next day and uhshe she introduced us to the podcast the betrayed the addicted and the expert and that’s uh that’s what got us startedinto real recovery. That’s when we did an intake with you Brandon and uh we’re both in lift groups now and you know I Istarted recovery uh May of 2020 um as a 19year-old kid. I’m 20 years old by theway. I guess I should say you’re you’re an old man. Yeah. Yep. Um, so I started recovery asa 19-year-old kid working two part-time jobs that I didn’t make much money and paying 500 bucks a month for therapy outof my pocket. Um, but it was never even a question of money. It was like, I know I need this. Uh, and I and I was in agroup with Kobe Mitchell for a while. Um, and like I said, we dosee I see Holly at Therapy Utah. I hope it’s okay for me to say her name.Absolutely. She’s the best. Um would recommend her to anybody any day, addiction or not.She is amazing. Yeah. Um hey Dax, I’m getting a little feedback.Oh, it’s gone. Perfect. We did it. We’re good. Okay, cool. Um, so, uh, you know, I’veI’ve been really committed to recovery and I I’ve loved it for the year I’ve been in, but I I struggled I’ve alwaysstruggled with some infrequent relapses and, um, I went a really long time without watching pornography. Uh, and myrelapses were, uh, on a smaller scale. Not to minimize them or anything, but,um, no masturbation or pornography or anything like that. Um, but it was likeit was still an issue. uh still was relapsing, you know, max a couple times a month,but um recently uh Emily and I I I had a couple relapses uh sort of closetogether and Emily and I we decided to well, it was her choice.Um we’re doing a separation right now, which is I think interesting for a acouple who’s not married or anything, but um we uh we normally spend likeevery minute together, but for the past two weeks, we’ve been in this separation. And uh it’s been reallyhard, but I’ve made a lot of really powerful realizations about myself in this time. Um first and foremost, I Istruggled really, really hard. had some significant relapses right at the beginning of the separation. And thatthat made me realize like I’ve been in recovery, but I kind of thought I was over the whole addict thing, but umclearly I’m not. So, I’m I’m still an addict. And uh and I know I’m not working my recoverylike for Emily, for anybody else. I know I’m working it for myself and I havebeen for a while, but um what I realized digging down into it isthat I have this fear of failure. Um and not because I’m afraid of losing Emily.I definitely am, but it’s like I’m so sick of this addiction in my life and I’m scared that I’m never goingto be free of it. Um, so it’s like I made it up this mountain, you know, I’mclimbing this mountain of recovery and it’s amazing and I turn around to appreciate the view and suddenly I’m I’mafraid of heights and I that fear of falling makes me feel unstable on my knees. Um, and and so I Ifeel really committed. I I want this so bad until a crucial moment comes where I can really put relapse prevention andall that good stuff into practice. Uh, and then I falter and that’s where I mess up. Um, and I think thatDax, I love your analogy, um, of the mountain and turning aroundand being afraid of heights. Uh, our our, um, you know, our greatest fear is thatwe’re powerful beyond measure. And sometimes success can be one of the biggest triggers um, for an addiction.And if you think about it, um, success is is is vulnerable because now you havefurther to fall. Um, and so, uh, it it creates this weird thing where if youkeep the addiction around just enough, just a little bit, just enough, then younever get too far up that mountain. But that’s not the goal, right?Yeah. Is uh you want to be able to be free, to be able to soar, to be able to float ashigh as you can go and look down and and enjoy the view. Um, and so, uh, I I’mglad that you’re aware of it. I’m glad that you’re seeing it, but, uh, something’s not working, right? There’sthat fear of failure there that’s really undermining your recovery. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, um, as I’ve likedone my own work to dig further into that issue, I’ve I mean, self-discipline is definitely something I reallystruggle with. Um, and that’s like not just in my addiction, that’s in allareas of my life. Um, and and the other thing is trust. I don’t I don’t trustmyself. I think about like I I try to prepare and plan for the next moment atrigger or an urge comes and I’m like, “Yeah, I got it.” But then this other part of my brain is like, “No, no, no.You you don’t like you’re going to screw that up. Like that’s so scary. you’re not going to you’re not going to be ableto get through that. Like you’re going to screw that up. And I don’t I don’t trust myself to carry my commitmentthrough. And uh I don’t know. So I guess my question boils down to how do Iovercome my fears and my faulty core beliefs to create self-discipline and learn to trust myself. So, so it’sinteresting if we start to dissect this because as you’re talking, Dax, I cansee um a lot of the whole system in place as to why um you’re ending up uhfailing again and again. Um I I I’ve heard this I’ve I just heard you tellyourself that you’re not good at self-discipline. So, you believe that you’re not good atself-discipline. That’s a a a thing an identity that you have. And so if that’swhat you believe about yourself, then what are you going to be? I’m not going to be self-disciplined.Right? And so if I said, “Okay, let me give you a list of things that you should do.” So So Dax, do these thingsand prove to yourself that you’re good at self-discipline. um you’d probably like rah rah rah go doit for a little while and then fail and then fall back into that belief of I’mnot good at self-discipline. And look, I just compiled even more proof of that. See, even more proof that I’m not goodat self-discipline. Um I I would actually guess that you’repretty good at self-discipline. Now you’re looking at me like, “What are you talking about, Brandon?Um, if you don’t mind me asking some questions, uh, do you brush your teeth every day?Yep. Okay. Does it take discipline to brush your teeth every day? Yeah, some some days more than others.Feeling really tired going to bed late. I I force myself to brush my teeth anyways. So, why do you do it? How do you how doyou do that? I don’t know. I know it’s I know it’s good for me and I don’t want to havecavities next time I go to the dentist and don’t like having tooth pain. Somake myself brush my teeth. Okay. So, so you have certain reasons,you’re avoiding certain consequences, right? Um but I think ultimately itcomes down to you’re in you’re probably in the habit. Um naturally you’re in that habit. Soevery day that’s what you do. When you’re in a state um of shame yetyou’re trying to work your recovery, what a lot of people do is they say, “Okay, I’m going to work harder and bemore self-disciplined so that I get out of recovery.” And it’sthis trap that that so many people fall into because what it does is it says,”I’ve got control here. I’m gonna prove myself and once I prove myself then Iwill have arrived. Ah, I made it. Yay. But it’s a setup.What? And you you’re describing this setup, Dax. Do you see it?Yeah. Yeah. It’s a setup because will you fail? If I if I’m scared of failing, if I’mdoing it through shame or anything like that, then yeah. But but hang on. Will you just fail inin general? Like will will there be moments of failure in your life? Oh, absolutely always.A okay. So listen to the do you hear the contradiction there? You’re saying Idon’t want to be a failure. I’m scared of failure. Yet you just said absolutely always I’ll fail in my life.And so and so then what do we do? Do we just sit back and say okay the failure it is then that’s my whole life, right?No, we don’t do that. But then there’s the other side of the pendulum, which is, okay, I’m going toI’m going to work so hard, white knuckle, and force myself to never fail, which sets up a binge later on. It setsup a I can’t handle life, so I’ll go relapse and numb out and escape becauseI’m trying so hard to be perfect. Neither of those neither of those umextremes is actual recovery. At the core of recovery, Dax, and I Ireally want you to understand this. There’s something at the core of recovery that is is so so important. AndI hope you don’t mind me getting a little preachy here. Um, but it’s it’s it’sself-acceptance and self-compassion and self-love. Andand when and when I when I say those things, it’s like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I I should love myself. But no,it’s loving you exactly as you are right now today. Even if you relapse thismorning, it’s applying grace to your life. Um, and in my opinion, theatonement of Jesus Christ where I you’re able to say, you know what, I’m notgoing to try to be perfect. I’m not going to I’m not going to try toprove myself because I don’t need to prove myself. Um my sins are already forgiven. Godalready loves me. That love is unconditional. And when when when you when you restinto that, what you’re not doing is pushing forward to prove yourself out ofthe shame. um you’re actually falling back into the reality that you’re animperfect human being. Okay, so this sounds like what I’m saying and this isall kind of it’s it’s it’s like a paradox. So it’s it’s hard to totally explain. It sounds like I’m kind ofsaying, well, let throw your hands in the air and just be who you are, right? But that’s not totally what I’m saying.What I am saying is when you do when you do focus first and foremost on that selfforgiveness, self-compassion and self-acceptance, then you resonate in a state ofacceptance and you get out of a place of force and control,resonating in shame and fear and you’re actually up up higher. You’re resonatingon a higher level now and you’re in a place of power. you’re much more likely to be able to overcome triggers. Um,you’re much more likely to choose what you what consequences you want in your life and what consequences you don’twhen you’re in that place of self-acceptance. And so, um, so we get it backwards. It’sI feel shame. I feel fear that I’m not good enough. So, then I’ve got to take that shame and fear to motivate me toget better. And so I go spin my wheels and try to be better. And what do you know? It feeds my shame and my fearversus I’m not going to take the shame and the fear to try to be better. I’m going to accept myself right where I’m at today.Love myself. Um know that I’m loved and find that love somewhere.Whether it’s a good friend, whether you pray, whether you take take a moment innature, whatever you do to just surrender. Surrender for a moment andjust feel acceptance. Okay, now that I’m there, now I’m goingto now I’m going to want to step into my recovery work from that intention. So,am I making sense, Dax? Yeah, absolutely. And uh acceptance isdefinitely something I’ve been putting a lot of work into over the last couple of weeks. Um I mean I thought I was workingon that for the last year, but I hadn’t even really scratched the surface. Um Iuh I guess now it’s my turn to get a little preachy. I think of uh I’m LDS, so I think of a there’s a talk fromElder Holland. Um, and he talks about a a 14-year-old boy who comes and says,”Uh, I don’t know. I don’t know if the gospel is true, but I but I think it is.” Um,and the gist of that whole talk is that, uh, Elder Holland says like, “Bring whatyou can to the table.” Like, bring forth every ounce of belief that you have. Andwhen you can do that and surrender it to God, he’ll help you make up the difference. Um so so my my uh my mantralately has has been one like the serenity prayer of uhlet’s see how does the serenity prayer go. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courageto change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. So that one yeah that one’s been really importantfor me lately. And then uh if I’m feeling a lot of self-doubt, I uh I’llsay aloud um God, I don’t know if I can do this, but I really think I can, and Ineed you to help me make up the difference. Um and on days that I put focus into that, I definitely feel feela shift. And uh yeah, I I it’s really important to get to that place of self-love. And I I’mI’m kind of getting there, but it’s it’s it’s hard for sure. you know, so it’sit’s there there’s a process to it. You need to identify what your shame is.Identify your monsters, so to speak, or your demons. Um, once you identify them,then you don’t fight against them. Um, you don’t say, “No, I’m going to act like I’m not a failure. I’m going to Youdon’t fight against them. You accept them and you actually appreciate them. Thank you for for protecting me fromfailing. I appreciate that.” But no, thank you. Right? And then the thirdstep is to actually act against the shame. So it’s actually to experience something different than what the shamehas told you. So like for example, you coming on this podcast and saying, “Hey, hey world. I’m Dax.” Um is very muchagainst that shame that says you’re a failure, you should hide. Do you see what I’m saying?Yeah. And so part of the reason I did it for sure. So I And I love it. Um it and so it’slittle moments like that over and over again that are going to um start to killthat narrative inside of you, Dax. Um they’re going to start to say like, “No, I’m I’m I’m an I’m perfectly imperfectand I’m okay as I am.” Um you know, you you you were talking about you bring what you can to the table. I thinksometimes um when you’re steeped in addiction and shame,sometimes you can’t even see what you’re bringing to the table. Um you know, you’re just separated from Emily. You’vehad some some off andon relapses and there’s this there’s this narrativethat’s pretty in the forefront that says I I I fail. I let people down. I don’tfollow through. you know, I try to do my best, but eventually I’m going to fall. Um, and and and so that becomes kind ofidentity. And the reality is is if we were to look at what you’rebringing to the table today, what do you see?Um, well, for the most part, some really solid effort. Uh,I I I don’t know. I feel really committed. I feel really powerful in myrecovery when I’m in the right headsp space. Um I but but I want I want you to go beyond.So it’s interesting what you said which is good stuff but effort and commitment. So you’re focusing on like the thingsthat you’re doing what you can do but go further for me like who is Dax? What isDax bringing to the table? Um,well, I I think I have a lot of good that I can that I can bring to the world. I think I have the potential toto help some people in some powerful ways, which is another reason I wanted to come on to the podcast to kind of tapinto that. Um, but okay. Okay. I’m I’m going to be annoying, Dax. I Irealize I’m being annoying. Notice how you’re saying it. I think I have a lot of potential. I think I canhelp people. So So there’s that. There’s that shame inside of there saying, “Ohmy gosh, like I I don’t want to fully own this.” Right? Like if I were to sayto you, Dax, you’re a warrior for recovery and a warrior for truth.You’re an example to 20 year olds. Um, and you’re really a courageous examplewho’s stepping into your purpose. Um,you you’re a you’re a son of God who’s unconditionally loved, right? So, I I’m speaking truth rightnow, Dax. You see that? And do you hear what I’m saying? Versus I’m putting forth my besteffort and I want to help people and I want to be good. Well, that’s great. all that want and put but the reality is isyou are bringing to the table today the things that I just said are do youunderstand what I’m saying and for you to you might not believe it fully what I just said it’s like youmight know it here in your head but do you do you feel it really in your heart rightand the way you believe it is by what I was saying earlier step intoacting as if that’s what you are and you’ll realize that that truly is what you are. And and when you when you stepinto that more and more, like step into that feeling of power and understanding who you truly are and loving yourselfthere, um relapse starts to just go away. Sobriety starts to take care ofitself. Um, when you use sobriety to try to prove that you are good or to try toget some identity from that, then you’re more likely to to act out and relapse,right? Yeah. Do do you see what I’m saying? Yeah. Yeah. For sure. How does it How does it feel when I saythat stuff about you? It’s likeI don’t know. It’s like this It’s like there’s this gossip that’s being confirmed to me. You know, those aredefinitely thoughts I’ve had, but you’re right. My shame kind of beats it down. So, it makes my heart beat a little. I’mlike, “Oh, whoa. Is that real?” There’s a there’s a fog there, right? There’s kind of like I I don’t know iflike I can fully sit in that. Yeah, for sure. Um, I think about another episode where I don’t rememberwhat episode it is or what you guys are talking about for most of it, but you and Tyler are talking about uh like theidea of like God is doing this to me and then I can’t remember if it’s where Tyler shares like three alternatives tothat of God is doing this for me, God is doing this with me, and God is doing this through me. Um,and I I do firmly like I know those things. I know that God is doing this through me and for mefor a reason. I know that there’s something I have I have to offer. Uh ifI if I pull through this and I come out the other side strong, I know there’s something I have to offer uh to otherpeople in my situation. Um right. And that’s definitely something I’m trying to hang on to because yeah,there’s all this shame that wants wants me to think otherwise. But when I ondays that I’m able to hang on to those truths, that’s like those are the good days for sure.Well, it’s hard. You know, your girlfriend’s hurting. um you’ve been paying money for therapy, trying to getbetter, trying and so like the voices can ve can hit buttons that are easy topush of like see see like you’re not going to get this and e even now you’resaying if I pull through this rather than when or as I pull through this. Umit’s it’s this wavering of like oh my gosh is like is it really true that God’s doing this through me? And by theway that’s one of my favorite things. I love it because it’s about not not being a victim to what’s happening, butactually seeing the purpose in it and then turning it into um purpose with God, right?Um so I’m glad you remembered that. It’s one of my favorite things. Um yeah,but uh it’s it’s uh so so it’s noticing those thoughts, Dax. It’s noticing thethe the like I say the demons inside of you. Um, I’ve really been in lately intolike studying shadow work and Carl Jung is really into it. And what what he saysis that it’s really really healthy for us to to be able to get to know andunderstand our our blemish, our dark side, our and and you think about that.We spend a lot of our life trying to fix it, trying to run from it, trying to pretend like it’s not there. And we seethat with addiction all the time is I don’t want that. I I want to run from that as opposed to taking a step backand and saying why do I have it? What is God doing with me? Um how is thisblessing me to become a stronger man? Uh a man with more purpose, a betterpartner to to my girlfriend or my wife or whomever, right? Um and and so yes, Ihave this shadow and it is blessing my life. Um I don’t want to hang out with it forever and every day or whatever,right? But uh but yeah, it’s uh God Godhas given you these experiences, Dax, not as a curse. He’s g he’s given you these experiencesbecause he loves you. I know that feels backwards, right?I I believe that. Yeah. UmOkay. So, yeah, the selflove I I think I can get there. Um can I ask a followupquestion yet? Sure. Um so, you talk a lot about trust. I mean, umwent to your like webinar for Lyft on trust a couple weeks ago. nice listened to some episodes about it likeyesterday and actually in in in group this morning we talked about trust umand and you know you have your little equation for integrity uh honesty empathy and consistency over time um andintegrity and vulnerability are the keys there to trust so if I don’t if I don’t trust myself how do I apply that conceptof building trust to myself does that make sense Mhm. Um kind of. So if youdon’t trust yourself, then how can you apply like explain morelike why don’t you trust yourself? Well, okay, here’s an example. Um I lovemusic. I I’m a pretty decent singer. Some good self-care for me is like jamming out my car and singing my gutsout. Um, okay. And lately, every time I hear a song with some beautiful guitar, I want toI’m like, man, I want to play guitar. Like, I want to learn how to play guitar cuz I think it would be so powerful forme to just be able to strum out a song and sing a song I love. Um, so myparents got me a guitar for Christmas. And, uh, I picked it up and strummed it a couple times, but I’mso I I I did piano for two years from the time I was 10 to 12. And then I Iquit. I bailed on it. Um, I loved being able to play the piano, but for whatever reason, I quit. Same thing. I playedsaxophone for like two years from when I was 14 to 16, I think, and then I quit.Um, so my parents got me this guitar and I’m so excited and I want to learn it sobad, but I’m like, it’s just going to be the same thing. Like, I’m just going to pick up the guitar, sort ofhalf-hazardly learn it, and then eventually I’m going to just fizzle out and never touch it again. And becauseI’m like scared of myself doing that and because I don’t trust myself to follow through and stay consistent, I likehaven’t picked up my guitar and learned it. So, and and that’s kind of how I am withrecovery. Going to toot my own horn for a second. In most areas of recovery, I’m killingit. Like, I’ve been really consistent on my dailies lately. I I listen to podcastepisodes of this podcast or the Betray the Addicted Expert like every day. UmI’m getting really good at boundaries and uh honesty and all that stuff. Umbut I like like I said, I don’t trust myself to follow through in a crucial moment and and pull through a trigger orsomething. And because I don’t have that trust, I don’t. Um,so I I mean Holly and I have been talking about how like I need to do some little practices to to prove I can trustmyself. Um, is there more to it than that or is it really just like I got tolike once I once I do this once once I can pull through once then I can start to build that trust? Yeah, I mean Iwould I I definitely think doing practices to realize, hey, I I can have integrity with myself um will behelpful, but but I think even before that um just to just to challenge your narrative a little bit. So, you justgave me all of the proof as to why you’re not trustworthy to yourself. Um and this is why I was talking to youabout brushing your teeth earlier, right? which is is uh yes I’m not perfectly trustworthybut uh I I do believe that that I am a person who’s acting without integritywho naturally does have integrity. Um like who I truly am is a man withintegrity. Who who I truly am is a man who can trust himself. Um and I knowthat’s who I am. because I know that’s who I am. That’s how I’m going to show up. Now, there’s some kind of trauma orlife experience that has kind of gotten into your head that has said to you, uh,you’re going to fail. You’re you’re not going to come through. Um, and you’ve latched on to those experiences andfocused on those things until you’ve turned it into an identity. Um,and and so to reprocess those experiences would be helpful to be ableto say, “Yeah, I failed there, but I can look at it differently. I don’t need to look at it as if I’m untrustworthyforever.” Um, and I’m going to shift my thinking there.So, the power of your thoughts is really important in order to start to changeyour behavior. And and again, this is where that grace comes in a little bit is to be able to stay in that middleground where you have room to fail. So you’re not condemned when you do fail.Um but you also have room to pursue um growth and change at the same time.And that space is where real self-realization starts to happen is Ican fail and I can feel what failure feels like but I can succeed at the same time. Um and so uh but but you won’t getin that space Dax even if you are kind of doing that you won’t feel it or youwon’t believe it if what you’re the lens that you’re looking through is I’m gonnajust notice how I always let myself down. Um it’s really it it’s reallyfascinating to me as we’ve been talking. you’re like spouting off um things thatI’ve said years ago and you got the trust equation memorized and you got like like you have I I did we did anintake over a year and a half ago and um a lot of people who I did intakes with ayear and a half ago I’ll never see again and they’re not working their recovery and they’re not being consistent andthey’re not changing and they’re not growing and they’re not but here you areum showing some consistency showing some some follow through,showing some integrity in your recovery. And I think I think you may be way toofocused on sobriety because you might just be looking at that and saying, “Okay, that’s either failure or notfailure.” Um, and the reality is is you are much different than what you say youare to yourself. Do do you do you understand what I’m saying?Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. you’re kind of blowing my mind a little and I feel likelike I said earlier, I feel like these are things I knew subconsciously but I’ve just suppressed him. I don’t know.Yeah, this is Yeah. Anyways, um I I uh I was teaching Lyft one lastnight and for those of you that don’t know, Lyft is our group program and uh in the very first week of Lyft one, wetalk about an acorn and how does an acorn become an oak tree? And you thinkabout it, it’s like, well, how does an acorn become an oak tree? A little tiny thing becomes a massive thing. And umand it’s interesting when I ask the group because they give me really awesome answers here. Here’s some of the really cool ones. They say, “Well, anacorn has to crack open in order to start to become a tree. So, it has to be busted open a little bit.” Um an acornalso has to be under the soil, so it’s in the dark a little bit. And it has topractice some kind of faith knowing that there’s some kind of light or sunshine above it. Um, so there’s some kind ofjust like I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing, but I’m just going to start growing. Um, but here’s here’s themain one. An acorn already knows what it is. So, it knows that it’s an oak tree,so it becomes an oak tree. Um, it it grabs the nutrients it needs from thesoil. It soaks in the sun that it needs. it gets it it soaks in the water thatthat it needs to become an oak tree because it already knows it’s an oak tree. Um, and I I’m talking tonight to aguy who I um I was his therapist over a decade ago and when I first starteddoing therapy, Dax and and when I started doing therapy with him um Isucked at doing therapy. I had no idea what I was doing. Um, so he was one ofmy first clients ever. And um, and I I think back and I cringe at the thingsthat I told him to do and some of the feedback, but I was learning. I was growing, right? Um, and I think and andI’m talking to him tonight. He’s just like for 10 years, for a decade, has just been just amazing in his recoveryas a father, as a husband. um just just like building trust with with his spouseand people around him. And so is not even a question. That just that just happens. And um and I think, okay, howhow did he get to where he is when I sucked so bad as a therapist?What do you think, Dax? He already knew he was he could get there.Yeah, he knew it. He knew. I want you to change your language from if I or whatI’d like to do is be an advocate for people or to to to more I am I amstatements. Um I know that I am. This is who I am. And because you’ll startacting as if and you’ll start being as ifwhat you are doing is saying I am a failure. I am a person who’s not gonnaplay the guitar and prove to myself again that I don’t follow through as opposed to I am a person that followsthrough and um and I am a person who can learnand grow and develop and and help people. That’s who I am. So, do do yousee what I’m saying? Yeah. Um it’s time for you to take your next stepin recovery, Dax. you’re you’re on level one where it’s like fighting for sobriety, understanding your shame alittle bit, um getting a support system, being open to therapy. So So you’ve beendoing good good stuff. Now it’s time to take it a little bit deeper to reallyunderstand who you truly are. And um man, the world needs I’m going to callyou a kid, but you’re a man. The world needs kids or men like you, Dax. Umbecause uh you’re young and you’re going to do a lot of good. So um any any lastquestion for me? Well uh I don’t know. I uh Kathy at youroffice did a uh a lift webinar the other night and uh she she shared this storyabout this this man who um and she shared the story with the phrase uh whatever means necessary. It was aboutthis man who uh I guess his wife went out on a on a 4-day business trip and he was really nervous. He he’d been doingwell in his recovery, but he was nervous about her trip. Um and he he set up allthese safety plans and things for while she was gone and had some good self-care and was accountable accountable to hisgroup and stuff and and he was doing those things really well. And for the first three days it went really well.And then on the fourth day, he was getting hit with with urges. And he followed through, did all his stuff, andand the urges kept coming anyways. And so later that night, he was like, “Okay, I’m just going to go to bed.” And hesaid, “No, no, that’s not safe. Like, if I go to bed, something’s going to happen. I don’t I don’t feel safe to goto bed right now.” So he laid down on his kitchen floor just on the tile. Hesaid, “I’m going to lay here until I feel safe to go to bed.” And uh apparently he laid there till like 3:00in the morning and then he finally knew if I go to bed right now, I’m just going to fall asleep and I’m going to be okay.Um and that story has been bouncing around in my head since since then forthe last 4 days. And and it’s this really powerful thing and I keep telling myself like, man, I want to get there. Iwant to get there. Um but I don’t know, you’re just opening my eyes that like it’s not I want to get there or like Ihope I get there. I just I just have to make it happen. And I think I’ve uh been in this headsp space for a long time oflike I’m missing something. Like something’s missing in my recovery, but I’ve got all the parts. Like I’ve I’vegot all the knowledge. My head is like crammed with with recovery knowledge. I’ve been living it for a while. And Ithink I’m just overthinking it. Um I think I’m making it more complicated than it needs to be. And I don’t know.You’re right. I just need to dig down and shift those beliefs about myself.Yep. Step three is my favorite step. 12 steps. Turn your will and your life over to the care of God. So, at this point,Dax, you have enough in that head of yours. I can’t give you a magic answer to get better right now. Um, but it’sabout letting go. Uh, letting go of the shame, letting letting go of the thethoughts that beat you down. just letting go and just knowing that that you already have what it takes, thatit’s already there right in front of you and and really starting in on that self-acceptance. So, this has been anawesome episode, Dax. I really appreciate you sharing your story and asking such good questions. Um, and it’sgoing to do a lot of good for a lot of people. And like I said, you’re a you’re a freaking warrior. So, um, way way tostep onto the battlefield today. Uh, I really do appreciate you. So,thank you, Brandon. Yep. You guys, if you liked this episode, please share it. Um, also,please leave a review and, um, we would really appreciate feedback and and, uh,thanks again to Dax. Have a good day, you guys. We’ll see you. Bye. Thanks.Do you feel like no matter how much therapy you do, things really aren’t getting better? That you’d like toaccelerate your feelings of peace and empowerment because it’s just nothappening as a man. Do you feel stuck? Do you lack purpose? Do you not knowwhat real masculinity is? Are you unable to create safety and passion andintimacy in your relationships? Are you lacking connection to God? If you’rerelating to any of these things, then you need to come to our Rising Sun Conference. Tyler and I have developed aprocess and an experience for men to shift into their power, to know who theytruly are, to experience their purpose, and learn how to connect to God. So, goto risingssonconference.com. Now, that’s rising sun as insconference.com. and sign up there as soon as you can because space is limited. We’ll see youthere. [Music] [Applause][Applause] [Music]