Let’s Break Down The Masks

Introduction

Let’s break down the masks.Welcome to the Therapy Brothers podcast.I’m Brandon. I’m Tyler. We’re brothers.We’re therapists. And we know recovery.Bring your stories, your questions, yoursuccesses with real recovery.Hey Tyler, you ready to have some hardconversations? Let’s do it. Let theTherapy Brothers podcast begin. What’sup you guys? Welcome to anotherinstallment of the Therapy Brothersagain. It is the Therapy Bro today,Brandon. And Tyler’s done plenty ofepisodes without me and his uh hiswisdom is really good when I’m notaround. So,I hope that I can uh try to try to matchthat a little bit, but I know I can’t.I, you know, I’m a little brother. I’venever been able to live up to to him.So, um, and I’ve stopped trying, stoppedcaring about that. But I’ll do my bestfor you today. I promise.

Core Truth – Humans are wired for connection from birth.

I think we have a really cool topicthat I’m going to get into. And it’skind of this this life hack that I thinkis so amazing when you figure it out,but a lot of people never figure it out.And it’s this like thing that happens tous and then when we grow up we just kindof start to realize that it’s happenedto us. So let me explain this a littlebit.Uh when we’re bornuh one of the most important things thatwe realize that we need is connection toother people. We survive because weconnect. We connect to our mother. Shefeeds us. We survive because she holdsus. She wants to be close. She uhaccepts us.So one of the first things that happenin our life is we breatheand usually we’re put our mother and weconnect.So we have this naturalinstinctualtendency not tendency but instinctual inour natureuh to want to be connected totallynormal.What happens as we grow up this needstarts to get reinforced.Uh, we want others to validate us, tosee us, to know us, to not think thatwe’re crazy or stupid or over the top,

The Paradox – Performing to gain love creates disconnection.

to not think that we’re ugly or notworthy of love because we wantconnection. It’s so deeply embedded inus. We need it.And we start so so what we do because ofthis is we start todo things to try to make sure that wehave that connection.And the crazy thing is is the thingsthat we do to try to make sure that wehave that connection leads todisconnection.And it’s this tricky thing because wethink that it works and it doesn’t.And the more that weput forth our efforts to try to gainconnection,the more that we push away.So, let me explain.We want connection. Connection’s fine,but think about how are you going to

The Great Lie – “I must perform to be accepted.”

connect to somebody when you’reputting on a show to try to getconnection?And ourum attempts to gain connection byputting on that show are uh we all we wewe all use different tacticsand I’m going to get into some of thosespecific tactics in this episode.Umbut the the great lie, let’s talk aboutthe great lie. The great lie is I needto perform to get others to like andaccept me.So umwhy is that a lie?And I’m not talking about performancelike a singer on a stage.they’re getting validation. They’recreating some connection to their musicand things like that. I’m not talkingabout that performance. The type ofperformance that I’m talking about is Ineed to become what I what what othersneed me to be in order for them to likeme.

Shame Responses – Move toward (please), move against (attack), move away (hide).

So, if I’mat church, I need to act extra churchy.If I’m at, you know, in grad school, Ineed to act extra smart. How many gradstudents are sitting there withimposttor syndrome thinking, if theyreally knew how smart I was, but theysit there and answer all the the answersas best that they can to show thatthey’re really smart.Um,the Breny Brown talks about the threeways in which people perform. they movetoward away and against their theirshame. And shame is just fear ofabandonment.So moving toward is trying to show thatyou’re good enough.It’s kissing up. It’s overcompensating.It’s working way too hard.Moving against is when you feel likeyou’re not good enough, you turn thetables and you fight.you try to prove the other person thatthey’re not good enough because you’refeelingvulnerable.Um,and you move away, which is I’m scaredthat I’ll be seen as not good enough. Sotherefore, I won’t put forthum my myself to get abandoned orrejected. I just I’ll sit on thesidelines.Just won’t go there. just won’t justwon’t put myself out there. So, I playsmall.So, you see these things. Okay, I’m

Authenticity – Being real builds connection, masks push people away.

overcompensating in one. I’m pushingagainst in another. I’m playing small inanother. Are any of those thingscreating connection? No. The great lieis I need to perform in order to getothers to like me. The truth is is themore that you perform, the less otherswant to connect to you.But the trauma and the is driving theshame, is driving the fear, is drivingthe disconnection.Um,one of my favorite guys is my littlebrother, and I talk about him a lotbecause he’s one of my favorite guys.And it’s interesting because he’s he’she’s known to be a pretty authentic guy.He he lays it all out there. He justputs it out there. And I’ve seen itbefore where where he’ll he’ll talkabout a mistake that he made orsomething and everyone’s like and he’sjust wide open about it. He’s authentic.He’s just talking about it and owning itand people are laughing or they’rethey’re asking him about it and theyfeel really comfortable when he’stalking about his mistakes.And then another person will walk in theroom with a mistake that is far lesslike severe so to speak and it’ll getawkward and uncomfortable and they can’ttalk about it and nobody wants tolisten.It’s not about the things that they’vedone. It’s about how they’re showing upwith the mistakes that they’ve made thatcreates connection or disconnection.UmI I think like I could give someexamplesof people that you may not like but theyand that’s the point is when when youshow up authenticum some people will reject you, somepeople won’t like you but you’re stillbeing authentic.take a person like uhJoe Rogan who millions and millions ofpeople listen to and what he’ll do isjust kind of throw it out there hisopinion his thoughts his self he’ll justthrow it out there and or take like aSimon Cowell uh whoyeah maybe he was a little harshsometimes back in the day but we’re likeeveryone’s watching it and they’rethinking okay that person sucked atsinging and all the other other judgesare like, “Well, you know, you maybenext year you should come back.” And youknow, and Simon’s like, “You suck atsinging.”Well, he’s just honest andopen andnow he could be a little nicer with theway he communicates, but the point is isthat he’s being authentic.Being authentic isn’t just being a jerk.It’s just being real.Um,influencers are It’s interesting who hasthe followers with influencers.There’s There’s so many influencers. Uh,I guess technically I am one because I’mtalking on a podcast right now. Um, butinfluencers,they have a lot of followers if they’reextremely authentic or if they’reextremely fake. If they’re really goodat being fake, they’ll get a lot offollowers. If they’re really good atbeing authentic, they’ll get a lot offollowers. It’s the people on the inbetween that don’t get many followers.Now, the fake ones people are amused by.They can still sense how fake they’rebeing or how masked up they are, butthey’re fascinating to watch. Theauthentic ones, people are like, “Oh mygosh, breath of fresh air.” Sayingthings that other people are unwillingto say, but you say them anyways. Beinghonest, being vulnerable, being open.Uh sometimes I think on social media,uh there’s a lack of boundaries. I thinkthat but some people are very authenticon social media media and what’sinteresting is like that’s where peopleare like oh I like watching that becausethey’re just real.I don’t know if social media is theright place to do it but it’sfascinating to me that people connect tothat authenticityand with the influencers who areextremely fake. people are notconnecting to the authenticity. They’rejust getting entertained.Umat uh in my groups and at the retreatsand things,if somebody comes in and they’re puttingon a show, they’re masking up, they’retrying to manipulate for love or orconnection or validation.Um, sometimes we’ll do things wherewhere we’ll get really honest with eachother and talk about howdisingenuine you’re being or how fakethat you’re being. And it’s interestingbecause it’s likeit’s like cutting open a wound that’sinfected and getting the infection out.What what happens is it’s reallyuncomfortable when people get called outfor being fake.when they’re shame screening or maskedup and other people can see it andthey’re saying, “Look, we can see this.”They’re like, “Oh, shoot.” Like, I’vebeen I’ve been trying so hard to liketo like fool you guys to love me,but it’s not working. Obviously, you cansee right through it.That’s what Breny Brown talks about.She’s like, “These shame screens arelike smoke screens that you think you’rehiding behind, but people can see rightthrough.”And what happens when you get thatfeedback? This is what’s interesting ina in a group or a retreat or whatever,you get that feedback that’s reallyhonest from that person. And by the way,it takes courage on the part of theperson giving the feedback to be thatauthentic to somebody who’s notauthentic. Somebody who’s not authenticis like, “Ugh, I don’t want you to beauthentic with me. I’m I getuncomfortable if we’re too real. I getuncomfortable if we’re too honest.” Andwhen that person can come and say,”Look, I love you and you’re here to todo this to recognize what you’recreating in your life. I want to giveyou some feedback.” that feedback is allabout that person that’s giving thefeedback. But if they say certainthings, um, certainunwanted identities or masks that thatperson is actually putting on and itrings true, it gets really uncomfortableuntil it doesn’t. So,for a minute, we’re digging that shameout, that that infection. We’re noticingit. We’re seeing it. We’re understandingit.Um,and what happens, this is this is what’swhat’s like a miracleis when you strip down the shame, whenyou break down the the theshame, all of a sudden you experiencereal connectionwhere it’s like, we don’t love youbecauseof the performance that you’re puttingon. We just love you.You who you are.You can be a mess. You can be inadequatein so many ways and you’re okay.And that person who’s beenputting on the dog and pony show theirwhole life and they recognize, “Oh mygoodness, you see right through all ofit and you still accept me.”That’s where connection happens.real connectionand there’s a there’s a feeling of likelove and there’s a feeling of reliefthat comeslike ah I’m okay I don’t I don’t have towork so hardto be lovedconnection does not come through workinghard to get it connection comes throughtaking your guard down.

The Great Solution – Face fear of rejection, choose authenticity.

Once you take that guard down,then you’re you’re available to actuallybe seen and known.If that guard is up, if all thoseprotective parts and all those masks arethere, you’re not available for to beseen and known. But you have to bevulnerable in order to do it.Soif the great lie is I need to perform toget others to like or love me or acceptme,the the great solution isI need to face the fear and discomfortof rejectionand have the courage to show upauthentically.And when I can do that, then I cancreate things like intimacy,deep love,actual support,feelings of belonging.Butmy what I always say is the cave youfear to enter holds the treasure thatyou seek. I’m making this sound really,really simple. You know, stop showing upperforming and start showing upauthentic. Okay, that’s so simple. Butno, there’s a there’s a moment there’s amoment when it’s like I’m going to behonest with this person and they mighthate it that I’m honest and I’m scaredof that to sit in that.I remember when I was uh a youngtherapist just starting and I was Mr.Nice Guy. I wanted everybody to like me.I was scared to um make anybodyuncomfortable.Uh I wanted them to just tell me howawesome I was and kind I was and nice Iwas.And I went to this groupandI was sitting in this group and I was Iwas shadowing the group and I had beenshadowing a lot of groups and I was justtrying to figure out what’s my place inthis therapy world. How do I fit?Because I’m not retaining clientsbecause I’m trying so hard to get themto like me. They don’t they don’t wantto spend money to to uh just uh have metry to get them to like me. So, what doyou know? I wasn’t retaining clients.Um, and that was that was my mask. Mymask was Mr. Nice Guy. Um,just not make waves.Uh, not create problems with peopleand at the cost of being able to behonest with people. That doesn’t reallywork if you’re trying to build a acareer as a therapist.Um, so,uh, I went to this group and this guyshows up in so much denial,just manipulating, justifying,minimizing, like all of the things, allof the thinking errors you can think ofwere like there. He was masked up inevery single way. His protective partsfilled every corner of that room.And uh I’m sitting there and whathappens when somebody starts doing thatis everybody else starts to get a littleuncomfortable and starts to take on ifif they don’t want connection, theirmasks come out too. And so I was in thisgroup ofuh several guys who were just startingrecovery and they were not healthythemselves and they all just startedsupporting him in all these thinkingerrors. And I just thought I was sittingthere like in my own mask of like, well,I don’t want him to feel like bad oruncomfortable, but he’s full of it.Like this is so clear.And I remember distinctly this momentwhen I was like, okay, whatwhy why am I doing therapy?My clients need real connection.um they need honestyand umI’m gonna I’m gonna push this guy andnot show up as I normally do. And I gotthis visceral response, this likeknot in my throat, umthis dry mouth nervousness,and he’s like babbling on about all thejustifications of everything that he’sdoing. And everyone’s like, “Oh, yeah.Yeah, that makes sense.”And I spoke up and I just said, “Whatare you talking about? Like, I want youto get better and if you keep thinkingthis way, you’re going to continue toharm yourself.”And I kind of went off a little bit,probably a little too long cuz I swungthe pendulum the other way.But what was fascinating is he looked atme like,”I can’t believe you just said that tome. Especiallycoming from me who was Mr. Nice Guy andhad never made waves.And what’s fascinating is what happenedwith the group is when I stepped up intotruth and practiced that courage andauthenticity, it gave permission for therest of the group to do so. It gavepermission for them to be like, “Yeah, Iwas thinking the same thing.Yeah, this is what I see.I’m worried for you because of this orbecause of that way that you’re thinkingand I love you and I care about you, butthis if you if you stay in this thisdenial,it’s not going to work.And the guy left group I think in apretty tough spot because he didn’texpect that level of feedback andauthenticity.I left group with a bit of avulnerability hangover myself because Iwasn’t used to being that honest andauthentic.But then the next week, well, one of theguys said that was the best group we’veever had. The next week that guy showedup and he said he he he came and likeshook my hand and he just said like,”Thank you so much.”And it hit me like, “Okay,I’ve been trying to act opposite to getthe reaction that he just gave me.”And uh and and what was interesting iswhen he gave me that, he said, “Thankyou so much.” It wasn’t like I was like,”Yay, yeah, I did it.”It was just like It was just like,”Yeah, like that was I I just steppedinto honesty and truth.”Anyways, I’m going on a little longabout this this example, but the reasonI’m I’m bringing it up is to illustratehowfacing that fear and practicing thatcourage leads to connection.This happens in relationships, inmarriages all the time. How many, youknow, it’s when there’s a lot of secretsgoing on and you come forth and you say,”I’m going to be honest about this. It’spainful. It’s hard and it leads toactual connection. If you have bigsecrets and you’re hiding and becauseyou’re scared you’re going to getrejected, you are creating morerejection in your life. You’recontinuing to create rejection.Open yourself up. Show yourself.Face the fear of abandonment andrejection. And be honest.Um,get to know those protective parts,those masks that you have. They come inall different shapes and sizes andforms. And by the way, you guys, thesemasks are not bad things. We’re notfighting against them. They’re there toprotect you. So, we want the the the waytoum the way to step into yourauthenticity is not to fight againstyour masks and your shame. It’s actuallyto really get to know your masks andyour shame, appreciate them, andunbburden them when you need to.And did you hear what I said? Unbburdenthem.They they feel like they have this need,this burden to protect you. And all youhave to say is, “Look,I appreciate you.Thank you for stepping up to try to tryto help me. But I’m okay. I can stepinto this.When you start to overcompensate,unbburden that mask. When you start toturn the tables and get aggressive,unbburden that maskor that protective part or whatever wewant to call it.When you shy away and and know that deepdown you want to put yourself out there,but you’re scared to unbburden that maskand step in to your power. Step intoyour truth. Step into your authenticityso that you can be seen. So that you canbe known.There has to be some levelof rejection in order for you toexperience a fullness of connection.What I mean by that isif you put yourself fully out there inthis world,some people are not going to like it.But guess what? Those just aren’t yourpeople.It’s okay to have some haters.It’s okay to have some people that arelike gh.It might be your family member or wherewhere they’re used to you masking up andthey’re used to you showing up a certainway. And when you change and becomeyourself, they’re like, “Nah, what wherewhere’s the mask?”They might reject you.It’s still worth showing up authent aauthentic.No doubt about it. And it will changeyour relationships. It’ll change thecircles in which you connect.But you the people that you connectwith, you’ll have real connection.So you got to face that fear ofrejection. And facing that fear ofrejection does not mean that rejectionwon’t happen. In fact, it means thatrejection will happen.You know, I tell the story of thatclient in group and yeah, the next weekwe had a little kumbaya, but I’ve hadplenty of groups where we’ve had someauthentic feedback and connection andI’ve gotten really harsh emails andpeople quit group as a result.They didn’t they don’t like that levelof authenticity.It’s it’s funny. It polarizes the groupbecauseum a lot of the group members are like,”Yes, like finally, I’ve been lookingfor therapy like this where we can facethe hard stuff and we can get real andhonest and connect.” And then the guysthat don’t want to or the women thatdon’t want to are just like, “I’m out.”Um,yeah, Tyler and I, we’ve gotten severalnasty reviews,and I actually I don’t want a bunch ofnasty reviews, so please. But I actually

Closing

am, this is gonna sound weird, but I’mactually a little bit proud of thatbecause what that means is we say somedifficult things that are hard to hear,even if they’re taboo or whatever, butif they’re real and they’re truth, thenthat will lead to some people really notliking it. So, I think I’ve driven thisthis point home. Not everybody’s goingto like you when you’re authentic, butenough people will. and a lot morepeople will connect to you. I promiseyou you’re lovable. I promise you you’rebeautiful. I promise you you’re uniqueand God built you just the way that youare for a reason. And if you know that,then let it rip. Throw it out there. Beyou. Face that fear of rejection.Thanks for listening you guys. Untilnext time, keep on keeping on.