What are the 4 biggest problems in relationships?

Biggest problems

Bonded Brotherhood. It’s some new uh nonprofit that’s kind of trying to get started up here in our community. And uhit was just like a an activity for any man who wanted to show up. And we went out to this place. It was the craziest thing. Went out to this place in themiddle of nowhere, like way out in the country. It’s like pure flat farm fields. And you go down this like littledriveway and all of a sudden it opens up and there’s this like little gully that has a pond and a big pavilion and a biggrass area and a volleyball pit and and inside the pond it’s like have you everseen uh seen Hook? Yeah. Yeah. It’s like imagine going to Neverland.It’s like it’s got like high dive big massive like self-built high dive bigrings going across like big like barges where you can play like king of the mountain on it and stuff and and

Codependency

basically it was a bunch of grown men trying to be little boys again and uh and I think I may have likecracked a rib or something. So that’s probably what you’re getting from me. I’m just like so sore today.like my my old man body with my 65year-old hips didn’t go too well inthe day after um with that activity. So, I’m probably just exhausted and my bodyprobably just looks pretty beat up right now. Sounds like a lot of fun, though. Oh, it was it was a blast. We had we had we had a great time. Yeah.Yeah. I could imagine you going off a rope I’ve seen you go off a rope swing. You have great form. One of the best oneof the best forms I’ve ever seen someone go off a rope swing, Tyler. No. No. the best form and they’ll knowwho they are is Arc from like three years ago in the retreat. I thought it was Nate.So anyway, yeah, speaking of which, we got the retreat coming up, man. Let’s let’s get a couple more people come joinus. Yeah, we need more people on that rope swing. Come out. Come out with us.It’s good times. It is a good time. Um, absolutely. So, anyways, Tyler,should we dive into this topic? Let’s get let’s get going on this. Um, you know, it’s, you know, we sit down to talk about um, you know, our ourtopics or what we want to get into and it was interesting how quickly um, wewere able to to flush these out. Um, it wasn’t hard for us, right, Tyler?No. Like what are the biggest problems you see as therapists in relationships? And and you you were like, “Oh, wellthis.” And I was like, “Well, that and you’re like this.” And I was like that. I’m like, “Yeah, those are all those those four.” Yeah, pretty prettymuch. Not not to say that there’s not other problems, things, and issues.Um, but these four are big ones. Um, and I think to some degree most couplesstruggle with these four um to to to some level. So, where do we want tostart, Tyler? Yeah. Yeah, let’s just kind of go through and we’ll just talk about each one of them briefly and maybe maybe evengive a a suggestion on where to start in terms of if you relate to these things,how to maybe start turning the tables and changing your your path. So, y um so number one, Brandon, and we talkabout this a lot. This is a word that a lot of people don’t like to use anymore, but it’s we can explain it a little bitas to why we put it in here, but the first one is um codependency.Yeah. Um it’s so um it’s like an epidemic inrelationships. It’s so common. Um not all relationships that struggle havecodependency because there’s some some relationships that lack connection. Um but you know in a nutshell it’soverattachment to your partner. Uh where you’re consuming them or using them forsomething for your self-worth. Um, and so when you think of codependency, it itmanifests itself in in little situations. If your partner has a different opinionthan you, uh-oh, like how do I handle that? I don’t want to, you know, if they if they have a bad day and then, youknow, you can’t be okay because they had a bad day. Um, so you’re way too overattached. You’re not differentiatedvery well or healthily. And so that creates all kinds of issues as a result.Yeah. I think we should probably explain what differentiation is, you know, because a lot of people listening aren’tprobably going to understand what you mean by that. Yeah. I mean, we could we could dive into all different kinds of topics offof codependency, right? So like it a codependent relationship lackshealthy boundaries. So you don’t know where they stop and youbegin. And so that’s what differentiation is, is I’m a different person than you. We’re different.And in our relationship as it progresses, can we um empower andjust honor that we are different versus a codependent relationship whichhas a very hard time doing that. I think it’s a really common thing, Brandon, like most most people would relate tothis on some level that, you know, there’s two parts of us. There’s this need for individuality, the need to beour own individual, and then there’s this need for connection. And most of usare so driven towards wanting connection that if it comes down to it in a given moment, we tend to sacrifice ourindividuality in order to try to maintain and keep the connection. And when when we do that, we lose ourauthenticity. We lose our values. We lose our identity. And eventually, we’re chasing a relationship where somebodyelse constantly has to make us feel like we’re enough because we haven’t beenable to stand and maintain our own shape in terms of our own authenticity. It’s like the ultimate shoot yourself inthe foot. It’s the the more I try to preserve the relationship and the more I try to get my worth from that person andwant them to like me and and perform for them and all these things, the more resentment I build, the more I damagethe relationship and the more it it it creates a lack of safety and trust inthe relationship. Um, so ultimately it destroys the relationship where because

Dishonesty

I’m way overvaluing the relationship, right? and and at the at the expense andsacrifice of myself, right? And so, you know, if you’re to dive intocodependency, like why is somebody codependent or what do they need to work on? I think, you know, that comes down tothe things that we talk about all the time. Um, you got to look at your trauma. You got to look at yourattachment. um what are what’s the void that you’re trying to fillum because through your relationship and um there’s a reason why you’reshowing up codependent and it’s not because of your partner. Uh it’s because of your own fear and your own trauma andbeliefs about self and who you are go into that too. And that that ties allthe way into that trauma tree idea that we’ve talked about in past episodes, right? For me to know where I stop andyou begin, I need to be grounded and clear about who I am independent of you.And when I am that, then I can absolutely love you because I have thatb those bound healthy boundaries. Um, and I can be an interdependent person. And I I know what I’m offering you atthat point, too. Yeah, we could go on and on about codependency, Tyler. Yeah, I I thinkthis one is like sometimes in both partners, you get two people coming together who are actually codependentand now they’re having this interaction that is based completely in like shame where one person’s like withholdingbecause they’re afraid that their partner is going to reject them and then in the re in the withholding the other partner’s going like, “Oh no, they don’tlove me.” And then there’s two codependent people trying to get their answer from each other when there’s noanswer to give from either place. Exactly. and and it’s like a you can’tum like you can’t draw it from your partner. It’s like I want to get it fromyou and and yeah, they’re trying to do the same and it just creates I mean in the end it just createsa lot of a lot of problems um in a relationship. So I would say the otherfour or the other three that we have Tyler um you could say they somewhat tie into this sometimes.Yeah. They’re like acts of codependency. Yeah. Well, and I think if you look at across everything else we’re going tosay here, a lot of times underneath or attached to every single one of these that we’re going to go through, at thecore of it is shame and trauma as well. Yes. UmI if I the this comment here alludes to being taught that we’re complete when wehave a partner. And I think Tyler, there’s a there’s this belief out thereof like I need somebody in order to be whole, in orderto be me, right? And I think that’s I think we’re all wired for attachment. We’re, you know,relationships are important to us. Um that’s all fine and dandy. Um but it Ithink that that belief goes too far. um where you know it this whole youcomplete me thing where I need you I need you or to be okay the the the fact of the matter is a healthy relationshipis where I don’t need you to be okay for me to be okay and if you were todivorce me or die or leave me or whatever that would hurt that would be hard but I’m strong and I can moveforward and I can be me still independent of you yeah Right. It’s an interestingdialectic. That’s what this comment over here is talking about is and we’ve been taught this in lots of ways. I don’t think it’s sometimes religious culture.It’s also our society. It’s also every Disney princess movie. Umwe are wired for attachment connection. It is one of our needs. And um and yetthe way that we’ve been taught to go about getting it is in a consumptive I take it from you kind of a way ratherthan I know who I am and now I’m going to we’re going to up both of our games by being with one another.Exactly. Right. Exactly. Um okay. So yeah, this is allbased, like you said, Tyler, this is all based in shame. Um and the shame comes from the trauma. And so some of theseother ones, same thing. um these are just acts of protection umor you know there’s fear there and they lead to these behaviors. So do you want to do you want to bring up the next one?Sure. Let’s go with the next one. The next one is one that we deal with that are is probably the thing that bringspeople into our office a lot and it’s dishonesty.There’s I mean it’s flat out just dishonesty. There’s been a breach of trust in the relationship. Whether that dishonesty comes through, you know,withholding information or flat out lying, it’s it’s a lack ofintegrity and showing up as you are. Honesty is like not fully understood.Often times it’s felt. So, you know, if somebody if I’m like, “Hey, Tyler, didyou do that bad thing?” And you’re like, “No, I didn’t.” You know, this happens with my kids all the time. It’s crazy how like something can break or and it’slike, hey, who did that? Not me. Not me. So like, oh, a ghost did. Oh, like nobody did it. Interesting. I had thishappen just this weekend. I was going getting ready to go out with my daughter and a boyfriend. We’re going to go out and do some fishing and she was likeupstairs getting herself ready or dressed and we had like in the laundry room there’s this thing of sunscreen andyou never spray sunscreen in the house, right? But I just walked through the laundry room and I grabbed it and I like puffed a little on my face and like thenI go out and I get the truck loaded up and everything and my daughter comes down the stairs and she’s like, “Hey,did you spray sunscreen in the house?” I’m like I’m like what are you talkingabout? She’s like you turned into my14-year-old kid. I totally like gas at my daughter like what are you what are you talking about? Like the no like right here I’m standingin the kitchen. And I’m like, “No, like look, there’s nothing in Yeah, not right here. I was in the laundry room, but I’m at the mall.” She’s like, “But dad, I smell it. I knowthat there’s sunscreen. You sprayed it in the house.” I’m like, “Oh, yeah, that’s in the laundry room. The laundry room doesn’t count.”You know, just like pure dishonesty, right? Like just pure gaslighting. Just messing around with her.I I think all discord in relationship comes from dishonesty. And dishonesty

Empathy

can be so subtle and automatic. It can be little forms of denial. Um, littletiny manipulations away from taking accountability. Um, and so when I sayit’s felt more than it’s like seen, sometimes it’s so obvious like you’re lying to my face. Yes. But thensometimes it’s just like, man, like if you could just like say like, oh yeah, I messed up. I’m sorry. Or um, I totallylike let’s use your sunscreen analogy. Did you spray sunscreen in the house? Yeah, actually I did.You shouldn’t do that. Okay. I know. I know. Thank you. Like a I Yeah, I ownthat, right? I can see that, right? Um but instead, as humans, we’re soscared of abandonment or rejection that we think, “Oh, well, I I don’t want to be seen.” Like these exile parts arelike kicking off all these protectors that are like, “I don’t want to be seen. So like just just minimize that a littlebit or omit that little part or justify that in your head of like well I sprayedsunscreen in the house but not here not in the kitchen so I can tell you no I didn’t spray it here.Right. Do do you see the little trick that you’re using there? Oh yeah. Total dishon total dishonesty but trying to make sure that I stillmaintain some kind of a facade. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And if if Yeah. Go ahead.Go ahead Brandon. I was just going to say if one or both partners could just be like, “Yeah, like that’s true.” Or,”Yeah, I did that. Yes, I can own that.” Or, “Let me tell you something honest.”Um, and just open up, then you know your partner. Then you can actually have trust and safety in a relationship,right? I I wonder how many people, you know, are listening to us right now that would relate to this, but how many ofyou guys have told yourselves something like this in order to not have to disclose something like something like,”Oh, I’m actually doing them a favor by not telling them that because I don’t want to make them upset or you know whatthey know, what they don’t know won’t hurt them.” Or the biggest one is it’s really not that big of a deal, so I probably don’t need to say anything. Andthen just ask this next question, which is, okay, so if it’s not that big of a deal, then you shouldn’t have a problemsaying it. Yeah. And and and whatever goes whatever just went on inside your body right now willtell you if you’re actually being real and being honest about that, right? Yes. You check in with your Ilove that, Tyler. Um it’s it’s our dishonesty is sounconscious and automatic. Um, and and it’s just an automatic protection thatwe have. And the level I would say the level of dishonesty and this this is soobvious what I what I’m going to say right now. The level of dishonesty directly correlates with your safety inor lack thereof in a relationship or your perceived safety. That that would go to the shame or the ego. All ofthat too. Yeah. The more dishonest, the less trust, the less safety. It’s that simple.Yeah. Um, but the dishonesty is there for a reason. And it comes back to what wetalked about earlier, right? Shame, shame, trauma, shame, trauma. It’s all the same stuff.Self-p protection. Um, okay. Uh, should we go to the nextone? Yeah. What’s the next one, Brandon? Um, this one we’ve actually had a few guestson the on the podcast recently with this one and we actually had a really good podcast on this next one um that a lot of peoplehave given a lot of feedback on. I think it was 454 is what it was. Yeah, it’s uh it’s a lack of empathyum or just connection but empathy on an emot connection on an emotional level,right? Yep. I see this all the time, Brandon. I’m sure you run into it too where people come in and they’re like, “Hey,we need help with some communication skills and then they get talking about something and it doesn’t really matterwhat the content is, but they get into this pattern and the pattern becomes I want to talk, you listen, and then Iwant to talk and you listen.” Uhhuh. Right. But then what ends up happening is I want to talk and then the nextperson wants to talk and no, neither person shows that they’re listening. And then it’s just like I haven’t beenheard. Well, I haven’t been heard. Well, I haven’t been heard and now we’re in to total disconnection.And if we could learn to actually hear somebody, not only hear them, butconnect to what they’re saying emotionally and then help them see that we’re connected to them. That step,it’s like it’s like it’s like lubrication for the rest of the communication and the system, right?That that’s that’s great, Tyler, but it’s it here’s here’s my struggle orfrustration. Like having done this for years, um that’s that would bewonderful, but a couple comes in and if if one of the other partners like justum has has actually worked or learned a lot or worked really hardto not empathize. trying to teach them to do that is likeso hard. Um, like I’m thinking of like my my nephew, he’she’s like I think he’s like five or six or something. Um, and they just signed him up for football. So, it was hisfirst football practice yesterday. And I was talking to his dad and I was like, “Well, how does that go?” Like thesekids’ very first football practice, like what do they even do? And he’s like, “Oh, yeah.” Like, yeah, dads are justthere like, “Okay, move here and do this and do, you know, like you have to like do this.” And and they’re looking attheir dads like, “Huh?” Like, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” That’s how it feels with empathy a lot when with ourclients, doesn’t it, Tyler? 100%. It’s 100%.They don’t even know where to begin. Well, yeah. And I think I think the reason why is because of that. We’re all of us are so kind of like egocentric.The world revolves around us. the universe revolves around us. That it’s empathy is is a skill that takes theawareness of taking ourselves out of the center of the universe while still being connected to what’s going on inside ofourselves at the same time. And that’s a that’s a difficult skill to learn. And it feels weird because in themoment that we’re having the discussion, we’re feeling like we need to protect ourselves. We feel like we need to be understood. We feel like we need to beheard. And what we’re missing is that the best chance that we actually have ofreceiving that is by also learning to offer it. Yeah. You know, like it’s like what mom usedto always say, seek first to understand and then be understood. Um that’s a hardhard skill set. It’s not it’s not natural to the world that we live in. Well, what’s what’s natural is toprotect ourselves um from getting hurt. And soempathy requires vulnerability. It requires sitting in pain. Um, beingable to just be with somebody and be present. And so it’s it’s really empathyto me is synonymous with love. I’m here for you. I love you. I see you.

Victim mindset

I’ll hold space for you. And so love is is vulnerable. Um, and so how do you teach love? Andand when there’s all this shame and all this and the dishonesty totally undermines an an ability toactually empathize because you don’t want to get closer to somebody on an empathetic level if you got a bunch ofsecrets going on. You can’t trust it. Yep. It’s too scary. That’s exactly right. Empathy empathy isuh it’s a vulnerable process for both partners. You know, there’s the sharingand then there’s the actual receiving. And with empathy, you receive it with an open heart, with an offering of yourpresence. So, you have to allow yourself to go to the same emotional space without making it about you.Yeah. With whoever it is that’s talking with you or that you’re interacting with. And that’s really difficult.Well, it’s interesting, Tyler, the episode you referenced um, you know, and listening to that. It’s interestingbecause, you know, as he was kind of like trying to empathize,um, what was his I don’t know if you’ve listened to it, but what was his like go-to? His go-to was to go back intobeating himself up kind of like instead of her saying like she’s saying, “I just need you to see me. I just need you tosee how hard this has been for me and how much I don’t trust you.” And and instead of him going like, “Oh, wow.”like yeah that that feeling of not being able to trust is he he went into likeI’m so sorry that I’ve hurt you I’ve done everything wrong d right he was still in like his own kindof his own kind of self-protective thing rather than oh I am here for you and Idon’t have to fix it I don’t have to like come up with the solution I I needto actually just offer my prayer presence, my heart, my energy, myself ishere witnessing you. Right. Right. Right. It’s interesting cuz if if youlike listen to him, it seems like he was doing the right things. Like, I’m sosorry. Yes. I’m I did this and I’m I’m bad and I did that and I blah blah blahblah. You know, and it was like uh uh uh like you could you could feel you couldfeel the selfpreservation going on. You can feel it. So eventhough he said, “I’m so sorry and I’m bad and I’m this and I’m” It’s like, “No, just stop.” You couldjust stop and say, “Hey, tell me more or like what do you mean by that?”Or, “Help me understand this. You said that. What does that mean to you when you said that?” Like, so so it’s justlike, “Let me stop and care about you and not care about me right now.” That’s that’s simply what empathy is.Yeah. Which again, that breaks down if I’m in self-preservation mode because fear and shame are in the driver’s seat.And that can look like being a jerk. That can look like disappearing or fixing or trying to figure out how tosay all the right things. So, even if you’re trying to say all the right things, you’re you’re not empathizingbecause you’re still protecting yourself. Yeah. Um,go ahead, please. I was just going to say something that seems to help with that when you start really trying to work on this is again I’m I’m pretty bigon the sematic stuff, but noticing what’s in the driver’s seat when you’re trying to give a response. And if younotice that feeling like that heaviness in your head, the tightness in, you know, the the burden in your shoulders,the tightness in your chest. Notice that and imagine grabbing it and holding it and saying, “I’m going to getto you later.” But then putting your attention back onto the other person. So, you’re actually like still going totake care of all of that shame, all that fear, whatever else is coming up, but you’re going to breathe through that andthen you’re going to give your presence back to the place, the person that you’re interacting with. I love that youkeep bringing this up, Tyler, because for these four problems we’re talking about and most problems in in arelationship, if you can learn how to be curious with yourself and self-reflective,then you can actually learn how to not automatically show up in these ways. Anda a great way to to start to tap into that curiosity is through your body. umjust like oh like oh I just got that like lump in my throat that happens when my my you know spouse gets mad at methere it is interesting and usually when I get that lump I start to protect and this is how I normally protect you knowI do this or I get sarcastic or I fight back whatever it is and do you see how like when I know myself I can actuallythen start to choose how I want to show up versus the default mode that just I jump intodishonesty, protecting so I’m not empathizing, overattaching, all of that stuff.Yeah, exactly. I can acknowledge that I’m having that experience. Oh, there’s my shame and I I’m going to need to deal with myshame in a minute, but right now my shame can’t be in the driver’s seat with this with this conversation or else it’snot going to go anywhere. Yeah. Yeah. Just I’m thinking just last night I had an interaction with my wifeand and and I did this I you know I won’t get into the specifics of itbut but uh she yeah she came at me pretty good and and uh I noticed it. Igot curious. I stopped. And then afterwards she’s like I don’t know how to respond to the way you just reactedto that. And I’m like, well, she’s like, you just like we just got a goodsolution to this issue. And I’m like, yeah. I mean, I I was thinking like, yeah, we could have gone like got in abig fight and, you know, just hash this out for 3 days or we could just like figure this thing out. But but the onlyreason that happened, and I’m not trying to toot my own horn. I fail plenty at this. Um, but the only reason thathappened was in that moment, exactly what you’re talking about, Tyler. I noticed like, oh, there it is. Like,okay, what do I want to do with this? Where do I go? That’s I I feel it, man. I feel my faceflush. I feel my jaw clench. I feel my shoulders start to hunch. And I feel this pit in my stomach. And if I catchthose, the first thing I think of is don’t say anything until you figure out where to put this.You know what’s interesting, Tyler? The jaw like the jaw clench for you as as you know, a person who’s interacted withyou a lot. Um, I I can notice that like I’ll see your jaw when it when it getsserious or intense or I’ll see that jaw clench come and it’s like oh it’s like uh oh, here it comes.And that’s the thing is we think we can like hide it and like go when we’re like reacting those ways like people cansense it, feel it, know it. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve been like driving somewhere and some conversationcomes up and it gets tense and then it kind of like goes kind of silent or whatever and my wife’s like, “You’remad.” And I’m like, “No, I’m not.” Like, “No, I’m not.” Like, she’s like,she’s like, “I know you are because your jaw is clenched.” I’m like, “Oh, dang.” Like, my dang jaw always gives me away.

Moving forward

I’m trying to be dishonest about how mad I am, dude. I’m I’m totally fine. Good.But you know what? That’s actually kind of a gift, too, because sometimes she’ll key in on it before I do, and thenshe’ll point it out and be like, “Hey, uh, you’re upset right now.” I’m like, “No, I’m not.” Like, and I’m like, “Oh, yeah. I am, actually.”Yeah. What’s going on? Yeah. So, it’s like a It’s both a blessing and a curse.I love it. Um, should we dive into this last one? Yeah, last one.Um, the last one is playing the victim. Um, so do you want to explain that,Tyler? Yeah, this is an interesting one. Um, I heard a quote a long time ago. We’vesaid this on the podcast before, but I read it and it said the the largestaddiction in the world is playing the victim. Uhhuh. Yeah. And uh there’s somethingthere’s something that feels almost like we’re trying to find pieces of justice. We’re all we’re trying to absolveourselves of responsibility and accountability and we kind of like making sure thatsomebody else is over the barrel like that we have have some way to extract some kind of justice or something. Andso a lot of times we’re looking for ways that we can be the victim and then whenyou get two people playing that game it’s a race to the bottom. Mhm. So it’s like, well, you did this tome, so d therefore I’m justified in this. And then the other person’s like, yeah, but you did that to me, and so there I’m justified in this. And prettysoon, there’s two people who are trying to put themselves underneath the other person as a form of trying to maintainpower, which is weird, but that’s the way that it works. It’s such a like messed up thing becausethe whole the whole thing about victim is power is trying to get power by giving up your power.Like think about it. Like that’s really like well I’m try I’m trying to get you to feel sorry for me or give me what Iwant or you know this or that. So so what I’m going to do is instead of ownwho I am and what’s in my control and what’s not, I’m going to pout until youyou know I get what I want from you. Um which doesn’t work.It’s a way of trying to get needs met. That’s that’s the truth. And we all do it and we’ve all learned it, you know. Imean, I I watched like my little I had my little niece and nephew over to the house not too long ago, a couple weeksago and they were playing with each other and you know, something came up and like there was one toy that ended upthe my nephew ended up with the toy first and he was playing with it and she walked over and tried to take it from him and he wouldn’t let her have it andshe’s like, “I want to play with it.” And he’s like, “No, I’m going to play with it right now.” And she goes and then she goes over just to where she’sstill in sight of him, but but way off in the corner. And then she puts her head down and was like just like waitinglike just just waiting for him to be like, “Oh, I’m sorry. We can come play with this d like you know just likeshe’s learned that at a young age that she’s going to get her needs met byplaying the victim. We all do that. It’s it’s a human it’s a human thing that we do. Mhm.The the pro the problem is is exactly what you said is that it actuallywe then try to get people to do for us what we can and should do for ourselves.I know we don’t say should very often here, but but now we’re dependent on theworld to make us happy and fix our problems all the time.Instead of working from the inside out, we’re now living a life that is outside in. and we’re going to be chasing thatand be a victim to whatever comes our way and never actually be able to find that sense of like peace andgroundedness and self-confidence because we’re looking for it from an outside source. You’re Yeah, you’re powerless. I I likewhat you’re saying. You know, we give our power away to other things in orderfor us to be okay. Um and we think we’re doing it to get power. Um I you knowlike I think of here here’s the interesting part Tyler like I think ofmy son where it’s like hey you know will you pick that up like that that’s your chore will you clean that up. Well soand so didn’t have to do that when that was their chore. Yeah. And so I’m likeso it’s not fair now you’re you’re being mean to him. Yeah. Now now I’m being really mean. Right. So, and so you know what I say tothat, which is probably not the best parenting. I don’t know what I I don’t I don’t care. Pick it up.And so then what happens is like he’s like he hunkers in. He’s like, “No, I don’t have to.” Like, and I said, “Well,if you want to go play with your friends, all you have to do is pick that up.” It would take it would literally take him like two minutes. Likeliterally two minutes. He spends all day in the house not being able to to hangout with his friends, not being able to do much because he’s refusing to pick that thing up nowand it’s your fault and it’s all oh, it’s just all my fault. Now, now I’m not saying he should justgo pick it up because he might at on a deep level have a value or integrityinside of him that’s saying like this doesn’t work for me to pick that up. but he goes to the victim and he losesthat. So, so he’s shooting himself in the foot. He could he could come back to me and say, “Hey, Dad, I need to talk toyou about this.” Like, this is really important to me and this is why and I realize he’s a kid, so he’s not going todo this, but but he could come do that and that that’s in his control to actually, you know, like person toperson sit down and talk about this. Um or he could just take two minutes andpick it up, right? like that there’s certain things in his control. He gives his power away and then he gets theconsequences of giving his power away. Right. But yeah, but he also gets the payoff ofnot having to take ownership because it wasn’t fair or right. Right. That’s what he’s going for.He gets the payoff of justification. And justification sometimes feels really good. I know. But to what end?Well, that’s the that’s the point. And and and I think Brandon, this is an important thing to bring up with this is thatuh you know, when you look at relationships, most people want to be in a relationship that’s based on connection.And connection is why we get into relationships in the first place. But sometimes either through inside means orcodependency or maybe external things, distrust, whatever else,the relationship doesn’t feel safe enough to have the right kinds of vulnerable connection. And so peoplesettle for a power and controlbased relationship instead. Come rescue me. So I’m trying to extract connection, butI have to do it through a nonvulnerable power and controlbased way. And onceyou’ve gone to power and control, you’re already on the pathway to not getting what you want ultimately in therelationship. Y it becomes this wrangle to try to extract something that isn’t going to bethere when power and control is the forefront of the relationship. Yep. Yep. That’s it. I I you know theopposite of victim to me is accountability and responsibility. Yeah. Um so and those those words I I bringthem up quite a bit but it’s power too. Like it’s weird. We’re talking about power and control inrelationships. We’re talking about a different kind of power when it’s like I keep my internal sense of self, mypower. Yeah. Inside of me. And so I’m not throwing it out there to them so that they’ll come rescue me. So then I feelokay. Um and we play the victim in all kinds of ways. things like the silenttreatment, um you know, moping, um shutting down,uh just acting acting weak and powerless, uh are ways that we play thevictim. And a lot of people do it. So, like you say, it’s the the biggestaddiction in the world. So, and you can see it on big levels, too, as well. Umyou can see it in politics for sure. You can see it um in sports. You can see itall over the place. So Tyler um to review the four things they werecodependency. Yeah. Dishonesty, lack of empathy,and then our last one was playing the victim. Yep. And if you look at those, those all kindof tend to have a funnel down into shame and trauma. Yeah. losing your sense of self and youknow so that’s why Tyler that’s why we do what we do that’s why we’ve built reclaim your heart that’s why we dothese retreats uh because they help you tap into your power and help youunderstand who you are um and and and when you do that then you can show up asa powerful human being in your relationships and not have these things going on you can be honest you can holdspace for people you can um step into your power and you can be healthilyboundaried. All those things can happen when you know who you are. Yep.Um good one, Brandon. Um if you’re listening to this and you find this valuable or you know somebody who wouldbenefit from it, please share. Uh we love having you guys here with us and uhuntil next time, keep on keeping on.