5 Misnomers About Healthy Relationships

We are live already. Five mis.You're good, Brandon. Um title is five misnomers about healthy relationships.And uh we're we're trying out a new recording platform today that's supposed to actually make the experience betterin terms of quality and our ability to reach people better. So hopefully that'sthis is working. I don't know where the title's at or what's going on there, but we are live on YouTube right now, at least according to Streamyard, which iswhere we're recording from now. So, to all of our listeners, if you could do us a favor and go check us outon YouTube and see if it's working, that would be amazing. Let's see if our YouTube channel actually works.See, see if this see if this is connecting properly. So, yeah. Um, one of the cool one of thecool features about this, Brandon, is is it allows us to have some things for anyone who's watching on YouTube to haveit a little bit more interactive. One of those things that you'll see right now is there's a barcode here. If you scan that barcode, that'll take you directlyto the page to look at foundations of recovery, which is what we have coming up January 19th. It's our six week introcourse for the process of recovery for both the betrayer and the betrayed. andum kind of gets you it's like the kickoff course to step you into the healing journey which is the course thatwe have on rec uh reclaimyouheart.org. So yeah, I know there's I'd love to have I'd love to havesomebody Go ahead. Oh, use the barcode. Is that what you're saying?Yeah, I want us I want somebody to use the barcode to see if it actually works. But uh yeah, but we have a barcode there that you canscan on the video and it'll take you directly to that foundations page. So, if you're interested in learning about it or or figuring out what it's allabout, um, and then you want to give us some feedback about it, that would be great, too.We are so state-of-the-art. It's amazing. Yeah, we are. I've always been known for my techprowess. Tyler, I uhI I've always been known to as your brother.That's how I am famous. Yeah. You're you're known as You're known as the guy behind me making fun ofmy tech proud because you you're worse than I am. You're known as your tech prowess. I guess I'm known as your tech prowessbecause I'm known as your brother. Well, good. That's what you named yourself today on the episode is Tyler'ssidekick. That's Hey, that's accurate. Um just being fantastic. Tyler, I want to dive deep a little bitand I know I know there's a big ad about foundations on this episode beforehand.Um, but like to really what you said, Tyler, drive home what it is. Um, forthose of you who have done other programs, um, or have have thought about doing aprogram when it comes to sex addiction and betrayal trauma, uh, this program isunique. And it's unique because weum we really get down to the roots of what's going on and why it this lastweek's episode we talked about manifesting why in your in your individual life and in your relationshipyou're manifesting what you are and we help you understand that so that you can create something new in your life andit's a program that will shift everything for you. Um, so yes, it'sabout sex addiction, betrayal, trauma, but we go into the trauma work and wecreate shifts through experience. It's a group program, but it's so much morethan that. It's a journey, and it's a journey that works. Uh, we've had manypeople go through it now, and it works if you work it. So, we want you inthere. We want you to come on this journey with us. We want you to find healing. We want you to find peace. andwe want you to create something different in your life. So, if you're on the edge, um, jump jump over that edgeand come join us. It's vulnerable, but it's it's awesome, and we would love to have you.Amen, Brandon. All right. Should we get into the content today? Let's Let's Yeah, let's get into theepisode today. Um, we were we were talking and you and I were both talkingjust about some people that we work with and going, "Man, they're doing a lot better than we think than they thinkthey are, you know, like and and it and it got us like like we're from theoutside going, man, look at how much they've grown and look at how much better their relationship is and look at how and and they keep coming back beinglike, you know, things like we haven't arrived yet or things like, man, when are we going to actually get it right inour relationship or like when and you and I were talking like, man, there's a lot of misnomers about healthy relationships that might actually bedoing people a disservice. And so today, we're going to go through five misnomers about healthy relationships that somepeople subscribe to or believe. And we will talk about the pieces of truth inside of each of those misnomers, andthen we'll probably debunk them. Yep. I love it. I Tyler, can I startwith a little analogy? Um, and and this is kind of an overarching misnomer, then we'll get into theindividual ones. Um, but you like your job, right? I love my job.Yeah. Well, and and you love your job, you say? Yeah, most days. Okay. Yeah. So, so like is your jobwork? Yeah. A ton of work. A ton of work. Is is there frustrationsometimes? probably as many days or more than theother way. So you're saying more often than not you have frustration during the day?I have. Yeah. That my day is hard work and there's a lot of frustration almoston a daily basis and there's also a ton of reward. Yeah. Do you feel like you'reaccomplishing something or that there's there's some some like goodness coming from it?Yeah, I think that's it. There's purpose, there's passion, there's alignment with my identity and my valuesand uh it doesn't absolve the problems that come up. It's just that you don't see that as part of the the process. Andin your job, do you have opportunity for learning and growthevery single day? Yeah. So, you see where I'm going here, right? Yeah. Um, here's here's a misnomer. Wewe don't look at our relationships that way very often. Um, whereyeah, where it's it's work. It's a process. It's dayto-day. It's frustrating. Um,there's wins. There's um real difficult stuff that comes up. But overall, as I'mhearing you talk about your job, Tyler, I'm hearing that you love it, that you choose it, that you continue to do itfor a reason, and despite all of the frustration, I I know a lot of what yourjob is like because we have the same job. Um, despite all of the frustrationand all of those things, um, it's a beautiful thing in your life of learningand growth and creation. Um, we don't look at our relationships that way,although that's what our relationships are. A lot of times we look at our relationship like, when am I going tohave sex again? Uh, you know, like how come they don't like me? Uh, are they going to do the dishes or am I like wewe we get so stuck in that that we don't look at it as this process of learningand growth together and creation together. Um, yeah, it's uh, you know, I thinkthis is misnomer number one, Brandon, that we were going to talk about is is that couples we work with, they have itin their head that they will that we will arrive someday. Like we're on this journey and we'regoing through hell, but eventually we'll be at the top. And then once we're at the top, Disney will smile down and wewill be happily ever after. Happily ever after. You pay your money to the therapist for long enough, thenall of a sudden you're at your castle and dressed like a prince and a princess.Yeah. Yeah. That's not how it works. That's not Why are you ruining my day here?Well, I think a lot of people suffer more because they think that's how it's supposed to work. And then when they get into the human experience of being in acommitted relationship with another human being with their strengths and weaknesses and your strengths and weaknessesum and then they never arrive. They almost like shame themselves for never arriving and so they add suffering towhat's already can be a difficult um purifying process of what marriage is.You know, Brown, we we just in our in one of our men's groups, we just finished reading a book called Deep and Simple, which is just a phenomenal book.But in the section about relationships, it talks about reasons for getting into relationships. And there he called itbig love and small love. And small love is the kind of Disney kind of love wherewe arrive and we live happily ever ever after. And we always need to be blissful and happy with each other. And big loveis what he defined as a spiritual path of continuous growth that leads tosomething bigger than ourselves to individually. So, so there's a reason for beingtogether and part of it is the struggle of the spiritual path together.Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting. I I really like that you're bringing that up. Likeyou're even going deeper with it. It's not just learning and growing. It's like a spiritualum journey together. Um souh it you're what you're saying is that relationships are more like your job than they are like the the castle on thehill. Yeah. You think you think about it like this is this happens to people all thetime who are like say let's say this happens in marriage. It happens with kids. You know, people talk about theirkids or their marriage. Like the two biggest things that comedians talk about are their their spouse or their kids andthey're always like talking about the ball and chain or this or that and the other. And someone who's single or someone who doesn't have kids is they'regoing like, "Why would you want kids?" And then in the same breath, the person will turn around and be like, "Bestthing I ever did." like, you know, it's like it's like, well, how how do you howcan you explain it that way where it sounds horrible and yet it's you're saying it's the best thing you've ever done? And and one of the reasons why isbecause of those because of those things that are in some ways intangibles, you know, there's thatfeeling of there's commitment, there's that feeling of continued growth, there's that honing in of certainprinciples like humility. You have to choose to engage with somebody else in away where you can do your best to grow together and keep the peace. You're you're cultivating patience, love, likeall of those all of those principles that can't really be developed otherwise.You know what's interesting, Tyler, is like I when I think about my own life, Ithink of my relationships and my closest relationships and I I would say mysiblings and my friends. Um, like I have some just great friends and I I'm closewith my siblings. Those relationships honestly, Tyler, are fairly easy. Um, and one of the thingsthat I enjoy with those relationships is that we we laugh at life together. We weobserve it as it goes. It's like, "Oh yeah, look at that. Look at this likepainful thing, hard thing, funny thing." and we can kind of laugh and enjoy andjust watch the process unfold of life. Um, but marriage is different.Marriage is I have to sit down with my wife and we have to actually do a budget. We have to actually look at likehow we going to figure this out. Um, we're not laughing about how hard it is to do a budget. We are actually doingthe difficult work of doing the budget together, right? Um, and so like she's in thearena with me and it's a whole new level and it's a whole new ball game. Um, andthat pushes us either further apart or closer together as we learn and growthrough those hard things together. Whe whether it's parenting or intimacy or finances or family or what whatever itis, we have to figure out how to navigate that together as as differentindividuals. And through that we get to learn more about who we are asindividuals because we choose to do it together.Right? And if you explain it that way then the desire to arrive is actually small-minded and shortsighted.So, so the shift, so the shift in perspective is, and this is the first one, the encouraging word for thismisnomer is if you can shift your perspective to we get to growfor the rest of our lives together, think about how that changes everything else that's going on in your life rightnow with your partner. I Tyler, I like that. A a perspective aperspective shift word for each misnomer. Growth. I love it.we we get to grow. Um and and we we don't really ever want to arrive. Like II don't know. I I kind of look at that with my own life. I don't really ever want to fully arrive now that I understand what recovery work really is,which is that continued process of growth. Which means now you've arrived. See the paradox there?Which means now you you've arrived because you've accepted that you're never going to arrive.But not just accepted it like in a like a beaten man kind of a way, but more of like a hey, this is a great life kind ofa way. Exactly. Yeah. Living more in the moment than you are in the future of what you have tocreate, but accepting what is. Yeah. Um should we should we go to number two?Go to number two. Number two, this this is like this is one that atrap that most people fall into. And I don't know if it's a cultural thing umor just a natural human thing, but for some reason we feel like and and one ofthe reasons why we have so many fights in our relationships is we feel like we have to agree with each other. We haveto convince, we have to prove, we have to show the other person why we areright. And a lot of times people lock horns because they view something completelydifferent and they're there to correct the other person. Um, thiscreates all kinds of problems. It creates all kinds of friction. Um, Tyler, any thoughts on this?No, I think you're you're spot on. And it's uh but I think there's the pressure like the pressure is is that if there issome conflict in our relationship that means that we're somehow doing somethingwrong. Again, this is a shift in view on on what conflict is. There's there'sthere's healthy ways to do conflict and tension and there's unhealthy ways to do conflict and tension. But even reallygood relationships you will you're in with people you will never fully agree on everything.Tyler, I you'll understand this. And and of course Tyler sees the world similar tome because why? We were boiled in a similar soup growingup. We were boiled in the same soup. Um, and so like my, and it's funny because Ilike I don't know if you're this way yourself, but you'll understand why I am. Um, my yard being nice is importantto me. It's really important. Um, so I'll I'll spend a lot of money onfertilizer. I'll spend a lot of time sitting on my lawn mower. Um,now with my wife, she's kind of like, what? Like, why? Like, what are we doing? Why are we spending so much timeand money and resources on the on the on the grass? Am I right or is she right?It depends. There's not a right, is there? Yeah. Yeah. You know what's funny aboutthat, Brandon, is is that in my case, I went so far the other way. Like, we did we mowed one too many lawns.So much so that I like let my my yard crap now. You're done.You swung the pendulum. No, my wife's the one out there go like, "Hey, would you take just a little pridein the yard?" You know, like just a little bit. I went and got as much grass as Ipossibly could to take care of it for the rest of my life. I We can psycho analyze this later, butyou keep buying acorage so that you can mow longer. Yeah. Yeah. Um but you see the pointhere, right? Like Yeah. Of course. Does she have a good point of like hey why are we allocating time and resources and everything thereand I come back with why wouldn't we like we we have this we are stewards ofthis land let's take care of it plus it's good for your mental health to be outside it's beautiful it's why wouldn'twe now now who's right and who's wrong nobody's right and nobody's wrongright there's truth on both sides there's and it's coming from a different perspective you know Brandon like one ofthe most common things that I think you know we see maybe coming through the therapy office is people get togetherfrom two different families of origin and then there's a lot of friction and here's the classic case I was just in myoffice yesterday with somebody with this case where the wife was like there going like oh my gosh you are so tied up withyour family like you can't even like take you can't even take a breath without your whole family knowing what's going on that is so annoying and he'sover there going like it's awesome we're so connected. We love each other. We have support with each other all theway. And he's like, but you know what's really annoying is like you haven't talked to your sister in like two years.Like what? That's that's terrible relationship. And they're fighting with each other when in reality they're bothcoming at it from a different perspective. And if they actually saw that the differences would let them maybe learn and grow together. Now, shecould lean in and go, "I do admire that you want closeness and connection, and there needs to be some structure andboundary here for us to be healthy." And he could turn back around and be like, "I love your independence, and I'd lovefor there to be a little bit more connection, right?" Instead, it turns into a fight because we don't agree oneverything. Like, does you know, does Santa wrap presents or not? Oh, that Yeah, that's a big one. Thatthat's that that's like blown marriages apart. Luckily, me and my wife are on the same page with that one. So,but it's it's those little things. And if we don't agree on that, I don't know. Tyler Santa does it, so Idon't know. Yeah, exactly. But if we don't agree on that, then that means we're failing insome way. We should be like this, you know, on the same page all the way together. And and the truth is something seems so obvious, like so likeyou have got to be kidding me. Like, how can you see it that way? And the realityis is I think what we need to back up and say even if it seems crazyI have to ask myself um like do I need to have a boundaryaround this or is it okay that it's way different than me? Um it's like Tyler, you like a good canof sardines, right? Like you'll eat a good can. I I got I got made fun of at the signalfire because my snack at the top was a can of oysters and some string cheese.Yeah. So So and guess what country snack there is. Yeah. So So do I. So does Rex. Like andthe world hears that and they think these guys are like redneck crazy people that love sardines.Well, guess what? That's how we were raised. Like it's the best snack. It's so easy. High in omega-3s. Um,now the world looks at that and they judge it harshly. Like when I open up a can on a road trip with my friends and Ieat it in the car, they don't like that. They don't let my my kids refuse to letme have it in the house. They're like, "Hey, Dad, keep that in the garage." Like, like if you crack if you crack a canopen, I'd be like, "Oh, that smells good." Um,here's here's the deal. I got the word for this one, Tyler. Um the word is andand by the way the skills to get there are all about reflective listening,empathy, um just good communication, giving the other person space to be them,understanding that your perspective is not the end- all beall in the world. Um,but it it it and this is where like real love and real connection can happen where that interdependence comes in andit's like I am me and I love me but I also love you enough to allow you to beyou. And so the word for this one is understanding. Replace agreeing with understanding.Yeah. which then means that you've got to take into account what what thatdoes. It allows you to look look to be curious with your partner rather than the instant snap judgment. And we all dothat. We all do this. My wife, she she was like, "Hey, we got to fix that thing on the south side of the house." And shepointed east. And I was like, "That's east."The southside? What you talking about southside? That's east. Yeah. Um and and luckily I had just done a asession about this and I was like instead of instead of like pulling out a compass and throwing it in her face, Ijust stopped and said, "Oh, wait. So you think that's south over there?" And then I realized, does it matter whether it'sOh, I might the project you guys have to evacuate your house. Yeah. You're probably gonna be on the same page there.So I just I was like, "Oh, how is like so how is that South? Help me understand it."And I I have to be very careful in my tone and my energy, the way I come aboutthat of not insinuating that she's a crazy person. Um but to actually understand andempathize and and the truth was is she was kind of pointing southeast.So, so like as we talk about it and we were like, "Oh, yeah." Like I was a little bit off with my direction and shewas a little off with hers. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Well, and the seeking of understandingis what allowed you to also then come to which is interesting because that's also a pathway to agreeing a lot of the timewithout realizing that you already you kind of get get there sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. Which isn't the goal, but you can getthere. Yeah. Number three, Brandon, we we talk about this one on the podcast a lot. Um, Ishould be in a relationship with a partner who completes me.Now, this one, this one causes so many problems with couples. This basicallyyou just said I should be in a codependent relationship. Basically, what I said is we need to bein a relationship where both of us are emotionally bankrupt, but we're trying to to fill the bank account from theother person. That's fun. That's that's misery. That's a that's along hard road. This is a setup big timebecause what if what if like I'm well what if my partner's waiting for me toto like complete them? So they're sitting, you know, around like, "Oh, I can't wait to connect andjust talk and empathize and love each other and and I get home from workdepleted. Just done. I have nothing to give."What do you see the setup here? Now, now it feels Now it feels personal to your partner when in reality you'recoming home thinking, "Man, I'm doing everything I can to be a good spouse and I put in a hard day's, you know, work, helping other people and providing anddoing whatever else." And then you step in and now all of a sudden it feels personal when in reality it's just a matter ofit was never personal state of being. Yeah. It was never personal. But thatexpectation is there that I need you. I need to consume you in order to be okaymyself, right? And so the the challenge to thatis is like I think I think the little piece of truth inside of this one is is yes, we want deep connection with eachother. Like that's kind of what that statement means is that person completes me. Like that what they're saying is weyou know there's that quote that's in the book deep and simple again that says I want to be so close that when when onecries the other tastes salt right every one of us kind of longs for that deepdeep kind of connection and and yet the way that that connection comes isn'tfrom extracting from the other person. There's like you know peopleThere's there's a difference between giving and taking and offering and receiving.Um, if I come into the if I come into the relationship needing to take in order to be enough,then what I'm doing is I'm turning my my relationship into a commodity. Yes.I'm like I'm like mining my value from the other person. Whereas, if I show up in the relationship with anunderstanding of who I am, I'm offering my strengths and I'm willing to receive whatever the other person is offeringback. Yeah. But that's that's a different energy. Like that's a that's where I'm actuallyattending to the relationship in a way where I'm treating it like it mattersand not like a commodity. I'm treating the person like a person. Yeah. Yeah. Can I can I give just acouple examples and and we talk about this all the time like you say um and wesee this all the time. Uh things like um if let's say a partner is triggeredby something um just something random and uh the the person who has brokentrust in the past can't handle it and they freak out and they're like,you know, I'll never be enough. um I can never earn trust back again. I didn'teven do anything. So now we go from and I'll tie this back to this this misnomer.We go from um I need you to be happy with me. I need you to complete me. Soyou're triggered and I can't handle your trigger because I am um I am needing youto be okay with me. And I didn't even do anything wrong. So now what I'm going to go do is prove to you that I didn't doanything wrong because I need you to be okay with me. And what gets lost in allof this is is actual like connection, is actualrelationship, is actual empathy. If I'm okay unto myself and you're triggeredand that trigger doesn't have anything to do with me, but you think it has everything to do with me, I can thenstay in that space with you and help you process this. um and understand whyyou're triggered and what's going on with you because I don't need you. I don't need to consume you. Um this is anexample we see all the time, right, Tyler? That's that's exactly right. Um and that's what that's why we developed likethe healing journey the way we did is because it's an individual road into that place of like a deeper place ofself-acceptance. And the deeper you go into self-acceptance, the more you have to offer to your partner because becauseyou're not so busy always trying to curate or cultivate their response back to you. Um.Yep. So So now you're offering more more. I think the word here for this one, Brandon, is is authenticity.Yeah. Yep. That's a good one. I'm going to show up authentic. one one you know one way to see this a lot Tyler is issex is consuming a partner so usingsomeone to feel good and just using them you'll your partner will feel that fromyou whether you're using their body to feel good yourself or whether you're trying to get them to orgasm so that youfeel good about yourself you're still consuming them as opposed to when both partners show up authenticI love that word. They show up authentic. They can make love and connect on real deep levels and feelcared for and seen in that process. It's way different than consuming each otherand trying to complete each other that way. Umokay, that's good. That leads that leads right into um number four.Yeah. Give it give it to us, Tyler. Okay. This is one my we we debated about a couple different ways of saying this,but number four, misnomer in marriage. The frequency of sex determines the quality of our relationship.Yeah, this is a misnomer. Um, and it's a misnomer. I think it's I think it's a prettycommon one though. You hear how many couples, Brandon, do you know or do you have in your office that are bickering over what schedule they should be on andhow many days a week and uh Oh, it it never happens.And they think that they think that the number is what is what's actually going to determine the the health of therelationship. Yeah. I really like uh Fin in in the way she approaches this alittle bit. She she talks about a high desire partner and a lower desire partner. And the reason I like that isbecause she's identifying and she's not she's not saying the man or the woman, but she's identifying that they'redifferent and it's okay that they're different. the high desire partner is not a problem. The low desire partner isnot a problem. But then how can you work together to actually have a healthy sexlife and accept where you're at with that? Um the misnomer here. This comesback to our last one, Tyler. If we're using sex as the thing that means we'reokay now, everything's good now, then there's this desperation to try to havesex happen um as much as possible in order to to get back to that okayess.Um, and it's a problem because uh a there there's so many factors that gointo wanting to have sex and it's not justabout the the partner's desire or like, hey, a schedule. Um, and a relationshipis about connecting to the individual of where they're at with all of those factors.So it's not just let's just get it done so that we're sex actually becomes aproblem to a healthy relationship when it's used in the wrong way.You're exactly right, Brandon. That's the I think that's one of the challenges here is and here's the truth. Some ofthe truth inside of where this no misnomer comes from is for relationshipssexual intimacy can be deeply powerful and deeply connecting and extremely important. Um those are all that's alltrue but we we try to chase all of that with the frequency or the number oftimes per week and then and then what it does is it turns the relationship if you're not careful. I know some couplesthat do it and it works for them, but it works for them because they have some underpinnings of safety and trust in therelationship first and then it's just a way of being a reminder to say, "Hey, let's keep this at the front of our minds a little bit." Butyou mean they schedule it? Yeah. They they schedule it. Yeah. Um but but most people schedule it and thenthe I like what you're saying about high desire, low desire. The high desire then feels entitled to it and the low desirefeels pressured into it. And by the nature of treating it that way, you're actually upending the whole reason forit. which is to actually experience together something that's really powerful andbeautiful that's based off of connection, vulnerability, respect,engagement. You know, how many people do you know, Brandon, that want an engaged partner sexually, but then they demandthat it happens so often and that the person who's being demanded to is like, "How can I fully give myself to this?"Like, I feel like a kid who was just told to do their chores. Pressure, right? that pressure thatpressure pressure shuts down the very thing that we're really wanting in in sexual intimacy, which is a willing andengaged partner. Yeah. Um so I'm going to give this a couple ofwords, Tyler, if if I can. Um I can't just boil this down to one. Um,so I'm going to give it um boundariesto be bound like and and when I say boundaries, I'm talking about Tyler and my my definition of boundaries and allwhat what that totally means. Um, and I would I would also say somepatience with each other. Um, some patience and some boundaries. you bringthat into the equation and and replace um an entitlement for sex with patienceand boundaries, you'll probably have more sex. Um but it's not guaranteed.So, well, and and the frequency doesn't matter. You know, you talk to people andwhen they start to understand what they're really going for and they start backing off on only the frequency, thepressure comes off. But then also the the sexual encounters that start to happen when there's that patience, whenthere's that understanding, when there's healthy boundaries, it actually it actually brings more life to therelationship than treating it the other way around, too. So, it's it's more fulfilling in a lot of ways.Absolutely. Um, okay. You ready for the the last onehere? The last one. Misnomers and relationships. This is a fun one. I love this one.I don't know if this is fun. Here's a misnomer. The misnomer is thatmy partner should always back me up in my parenting style.Of course, Brandon, how dare you undermine me? You're underm I You're undermining meright now. I'm acting like a fool damaging our children, but how dare you undermine me?The worst thing happening here is you undermining me. Yeah. Yeah. like things. I've totally off my rocker. I'm at a on a scale of 0to 10, I'm at 11 right now, but you better. We're going down. We're in this together.Like, have you ever seen a Have you ever seen that Jim Brewer clip? He's a comedian and he's talking aboutlike this moment he comes home and he steps in the the house and there's like one kid down at the bottom of the stairs, another kid at the top, and hiswife is just like yelling at the at the smallest kid. And he walks in and he's like, "What's going on?" And all of asudden he's he's like what's going on? Like we built this together. We did.He's like I still don't even know what's going on. Like you know like like what I I help me know what I need to get behindbasically you know like it's like um but yeah I think I thinkhere's here's the truth you know inside of this misnomer is of course we want to be on the same page as parents. like wewant we want to have similar values in the way that we parent our children and we want to follow through on those values and I want to know that I'm in itwith somebody who's got my back and I've got theirs. Right. We that's that's part of a goodrelationship is knowing that there's somebody in your corner with you all the way. Um, right. The problem is is thatif I've gone off the deep end, like in a terrible parenting moment, and I've I'mlosing it, my wife isn't actually in it with me or for me if she comes over intothat space with me. And then we both do terrible parenting practices together. Yeah. And then you feel you feel likeconnected to and like supported, but at the same time like she didn't do you any favor. No. And we didn't do our kids any favor.I Tyler I think there's two things at play with this one. One is like we all have our our our bad parenting momentsbecause we just get worn down in life, right? So our emotions aren't regulatedand we don't do our best work. Um and sothat there's those moments, right? And and in those moments, it's awesome when a spouse can come along and regulate andbe this the steady one while the other, hey, Tyler, get out of here. Take a break. That's great.I'll handle this. Like, that's great, you know? Yeah. Um, but then there's So, there's thatwhere we're just having a bad day and one parent isn't doing well and the other might be. Um, but there's also thethe bigger thing going on, which is um like my wife was raised by two amazingparents, good people. Um, I was raised by two amazing parents, good people. Andand her parents did some things right. And they she did they they did some things really well that were differentthan our parents. And our parents did some things right that were different than hers. Her parents did some thingswrong though that that that aren't awesome for our kids that she almostunconsciously does and I can see it but she can't. Same thing over here. I dosome things automatically unconsciously that I think is natural and good andnormal and I just go for it and she's like, "Whoa, pump the brakes there."Now, if we both bring pride to the table and we're like, "My way is the way andher and she's saying, "No, her way is the way." What's going to happen? A whole lot of friction and a lot oftaking it personal. Again, Brandon, it feels like a personal attack on you or on her rather than the goal being, hey,what's the best outcome for our kids here? Like, what are the principles we're trying to teach? Right? the way I was raised um I I'mthinking this is the right this is comes back to um we don't have to agree we can have different perspectives and then wecan learn from each other she can reflect things back to me I can ref reflect things back to her and it's likeokay like I'll be open to a new way um if it really feels better now that'shard that can be really really hard well because those things you're talking about feel ingrained like they'rethey're almost not even conscious in a lot so automatic. Um, but her difference iswhat's bringing me to consciousness, which is a good thing. And my difference helps her like really examine why do Ido what I do? Um, and then together you create your own parenting styletogether, bringing all of that to the table. Um, so just be careful justexpecting your partner to always back you up and see things exactly the sameway. The other thing to think about, Tyler, is each kid like parenting is so complex.Yeah. On these each kid is different, right? So she'sgoing to parent that one kid that way. I'm going to parent that one kid that way. Like how do we figure that one out for that specific child?Um, so it's not just across the board we're figuring it out. It's it's specific to each child. So we could do afull episode on this one, Tyler. Yeah. Um, you know, I think inside of this misnomer, you know, of course youyou want to be respectful to each other in front of your kids. You know, you want your kids to see respectful communication, but also one of theblessings that you can teach your kids is that there is a healthy way to have discussion and disagreement.And when your kid gets to see that process, it actually helps them learn how to do that for themselves, too. Um,and so, you know, of course, you don't want to do it like you don't want to turn it into a power play where the kid is triangling, meaning they're pullingagainst you and your partner and then your partner are having a big conflict over it, but learning to actually havethat kind of conversation. Like, we just had an an instance in our family with some parenting differences. We're stilltrying to iron it out on on something that we need to do with one of our kids and my wife still sees it a certain wayand I see it slightly differently and I think we both have the right heart for it. We're just figuring that out thebest way to teach for our daughter and that this has been an ongoing discussion for almost two weeks now which is byitself not great parenting because you usually want your consequences to be pretty immediate. Um, but but we want toget it right this time. And I think we're I think we're this close to getting it right. And if I go anddisperse what we've come to, it'll sound a little different than if she goes and disperses what we've come to. But butwe've discussed it enough and we understand it enough with each other that both of us can live with it either way. Um, and that's and that's the waythat it's going to go on this particular time for us. Think about Tyler when when there's aparenting situation kind of like what you're talking about and mom and dadcan't navigate it in a healthy way and connect with each other and understand each other. Um but they go into dramaand they feel undermined and they fight. What then does the kid do if if that'sthe case a lot of times? Well, there's a couple things. the kid will either start to feel responsiblefor the parents like struggles in the relationship which is horrible on a child or or and or the child starts tolearn to use that to get what they think their perceived needs are and that's what's called triangling where they actually start playing theparents against each other and you you hear this all the time like usually there's the like Disneyland dad and theand I'm the one who has to keep all the rules and and then pretty soon what ends up happening is there's this polaritythat goes further and further away Because the more that my partner tightens down on the rules, the more Ifeel like I've got to show up and show a little bit more grace and fun and and the more I do that, the more they get frustrated with me. And then theytighten down on the rules more and pretty soon it's like the the kid is getting the the the extreme end of bothsides, which actually isn't healthy for them. Somewhere in the middle is healthier for them, right? So coming back to your example ofwhat you're doing with your wife is so healthy is even though it's taken some time is to stop and say okay you can beyou I can be me let's come to the table and and really figure out what is bestfor them and how can we be on the same page together. Um so we don't have to bewe don't have to have the same parenting style. I have mine, you have yours. That's okay. um let's use the goodness of thosethings to help move forward what needs to happen with this situation. And thethe kid will feel like, oh, even though mom and dad might be different, even though I know I can push this buttonwith dad or push that button with mom and try to get they're going to come together and they're actually going togoing to get to the same page together and um that then they're solid. Soyeah, um that's uh the one way of doing that is to try to remember as you said not totake it personally and and get your pride involved, but also bring it back to the principles because a lot of timesthere might be different principles that you're both looking at. Like I want this the principle of honesty and integrityand hard work over here and my wife's looking at it from a different perspective going like but I want alsoto teach the principle of grace and and growth mindset. And it's like, okay, then now that the principles are there,how do we overlap those together? Instead of fighting with each other, we can work on overlapping principles.Yes. So, yes, Tyler, this is fun. Break down these misnomers. I know that uh we speakfrom personal experience, but also we see it day in and day out with the couples and relationships that we workwith. Um, and uh, it's it's a lot of times these things just are so automaticand they just start happening and it's good to take a break, like zoom out a little bit and be like, whoa, thatbelief or way of thinking isn't working for us. Maybe we need to examine thatand try something different. Oh, we didn't give words for the parenting one. What What do you have any words withthat, Tyler? I'm putting you on the spot. Um well I think I think I was one of thewords that I was using was principle and you could use apply that to other things but bring it back to principles.I like that you know um if you want to add one go ahead. No I like that your styles can bedifferent but the principles like come together and uh and and be unified inthose principles. It's good. So all right thank you for uh oh Tylerany last things? It looks like we got through this. I've somehow we typed in testing for our title and then I didn'tcheck that yet with this new format. So, and we still have people listening, but other than other than that, we gotthrough our first episode on this platform. We'll be right back. Turn it around here in the next five minutes or so with another live episode.Um, but looks like it's working. So, awesome. Well, uh, you guys go, uh,create some healthy relationships. Until next time, keep on keeping on.