Let’s Have A Conversation About Boundaries

Introduction & grandbaby banter

Let's have a conversation about boundaries. Bran, it's good to see you today.Good to see you, Tyler. You had quite the weekend. Yeah, it was an interesting weekend. It was great.Yeah. I mean, you were holding the baby in group last week. Like, people people are going to get so sickof my poor grandchild. Here's the thing. Like, you on on ourdad's side were the first grandchild. And so it was like, you know, everyonejust loved Tyler. Tyler's the greatest. Blah, blah. By the time I came around, I was like the third.It's like, oh yeah. Oh, what's that kid's name? What? Oh, they have another one.Yeah. Like, oh, oh, wait, wait. Yeah, is that a boy or girl? Like, I I don't know. But when the first one comes, the firstgrandbaby is just like, oh my god. Not Not to minimize, it's a big deal. It'sawesome. Um, there's nothing bigger than having a baby, especially a grandchild. But yeah, that you know what? When whenyou're when you have like your fifth grandchild, I'm going to celebrate it. I'm going to come up be like, "Yes, likehold this baby. I love this baby." When my fourth daughter has her firstbaby, it'll be like the 13th grandchild. That's when you're going to be like, "I'm traveling out there. I'm going tocome see her." Like, yeah. Like, what number? That's number 11. Like I'm there. I am there.Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. I My heart goes out to those forgottenchildren. You can you you can relate. I can I can relate. My heart goes out.So I'm there for you children. The future grandchildren don't get all the extra attention.I love the children. Yes. Like our grandparents by the time reallyreally by the time any of us started rolling around we were like number in the 20s somewhere and it's like oh yeahthey're they're like yeah we're going to go do some other church service and other stuff. Oh on the Harris on the Harris side. They're like wait what was your name?What whose child are you from? Like IAnd that's okay. That's all right. You know, that's that's not how it is right now, though, man. It was I I got to go outthere this weekend and it was awesome. I I can't tell you how likeyou just have to experience it to have that. It's like a massive shift goes on in your heart when you get your hands onthat grandchild for the first time and realize a whole bunch of different things about life that didn't seem important are andthings that seemed important really aren't anymore, right? And yeah, it was it was really cool. Itwas a great It was a great weekend. Yeah, that's awesome, Tyler. Um well,I'll talk about your grandbaby for as much as you want. I'm good with it. So, um but can we let's let's uh talk aboutone of my other favorite topics, which is boundaries. Um I just wanted to have a really open

Why boundaries matter

dialogue with you, Tyler, about boundaries and and just kind of free flow it a little bit. We don't have aton planned. Um, but I want to have a discussion. I want I want to dive into it. I I think that boundaries are arequite often completely misunderstood and um like when we say one thing, we'remeaning another, but it's heard as something else. And and so I just wantto just have this conversation to at lewhat what are boundaries? What are healthy boundaries? Yeah, we get um I think one of theblessings of not having a caller for this hour today, which by the way, if you'd like to become be a caller, wewould love to have you. Therapyros.org. Um we would love to have you come on and talk about your own boundaries insteadof Brandon and I talking about it. One of the blessings is is that we get this question all the time. We get boundariesquestions all the time and we kind of hit it in the in the episodes a bit. Once in a while I'll do a specific, youknow, topic on it like we're going to do today, but it's it's overdue. We haven't done one in a while. So, um, yeah, we'regoing to jump into talking all things boundaries today and really trying to flesh out what makes effectiveboundaries what they are and also what they are not. Right. Right. So, let let's start therea little bit. Let me throw some things past you and maybe we can use these examples as we get into this. um to seewhat a boundary actually is. Um and some of the we we see some really commonones. Um like for example, my boundary is thatmy boundary is that you go to therapy. Is that a boundary? Is that a healthyboundary? No. Right. I agree. But why?I'm going to get you in trouble here. I just tried to throw it back in yourcourt for a second. So So I didn't let you. I had a boundary.Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So um so so your example islacking in a few things that make a good boundary a good boundary. So, um,

Internal vs external boundaries

boundaries boundaries work from the inside out. Now, I I say that and I'm going to goand actually kind of almost sound like I'm, you know, being a paradox on this,but it is a paradox. When you look at boundaries, there's you look at both things. You look atinternal boundaries and external boundaries. So internal boundaries arethings that I'm looking at inside myself and holding myself to certain kinds ofstandards, values, boundaries in terms of wanting to be congruent withthe way that I'm living. Right? External boundaries are born from some of the same internal places which would be myvalues and but they have an impact on the people around me based off of whatI'm going to do around those values. So with your example,the reason it's not a very healthy boundary is is that ultimately you don't have control over whether or not I go totherapy. Right. Right. Right. And and and you're and I don't know whatyour reasons are for saying that, but I'm guessing that you're saying that because you want to feel like in controlor you want to feel safe or you want to feel something. But but you need to spell out what youare actually looking for and then make sure that your boundary is reinforcing the thing you're looking for.Yeah. Yeah. I I like the way you kind of said that and outlined that is and youcan you can hear it in in what you were saying is if my boundary is I need you to go to therapy thenI'm overattached to you to live in my congruency. So SoI'm I'm basically at your mercy for for my life and my happiness. Right. So, so here I am handing this toyou to say this needs to happen in order for me to be okay. AndTyler, one thing that I don't think a lot of people understand is that boundaries are so much more like so muchbigger than just like this is what works for me and this is what doesn't. Um, it

Living your values with integrity

it's it's living it's it's about integrity. It's about living in your integrity. It's about authenticity.Um, and and when relationships come along and they they ask you to to let goof that, to sell out with your truths, that's when you're not living in yourboundaries. That's when you start to have torment in your soul because you'resacrificing yourself and your truths and um your integrity for the relationship.And but but this is really it gets really complex and really difficultbecause what do you know we talk about this all the time Tyler relationships are very important to us and so it itputs us in this dilemma quite a bit especially when you're dealing withfamily and friends who struggle with addiction and things like that where it's like okay I'm I'm trying to salvagethis relationship but I also know that it's taking my my integrity away. Whatdo I do here? And so what I want to do is go over to them and say, "Let mechange you so that I can control you so that I can stay in my integrity and youcannot break my boundaries anymore." But what you said is so important,Tyler. I don't have control over them. I don't have Right.Yeah. It's actually what you just outlined is actually something that I think we see a lot and it's there's alot of like empathy and understanding here. We find ourselves often in a catch22 based off of what you just saidwhere I want to be able to live according to my values and I want to live in a relationship where I'maccepted and loved exactly as I am in those values and I'm also wired forconnection and attachment. And now when I'm in a relationship, especially when there's been some kind of a breach inthe relationship where let's say there has been some betrayal or some lack of trust that shakes the foundation of thethe need to be connected. And what we often do without knowing itis we sacrifice our values for the sake of connection. And we do that a littlebit at a time until all of a sudden we have this internal problem in ourselves going like either I resent the otherperson because I feel like they're making me not live my values or I'm resenting myself or I'm feeling lessconfident in myself or I lose my sense of self and I what I've done is I've slowly paid the price of my values andmy identity for trying to keep the connection and most people will defaultto that. Yeah. without even knowing that they're doing it. Um, and and so what boundariesare is they become something more than just this like hammer that you that you use in a relationship. I like what yousaid and there's some words that we should attach to boundaries when people are thinking about this. You said some of them boundaries are not and andthey're not power and control, but that's the place we go to when the attachment has been strained.Right? So now we're trying to use a relationship based on power and control trying to get connection and that thatrarely works. It usually yields a lot of tiredness, a lot of exhaustion and a lot of resentment. Boundaries are based froma place of of like truth and stepping into into your power.like you're grounded, you're centered, you know who you are, and so you holdyou hold firm to your integrity, and it feels it it can be scary, but it feelsempowering. Um, that's the opposite of I'm in a lot of fear, and so I need tocontrol you in order to in order for me not to be in fear anymore. Um, that's not acting in yourtruth. that's acting from a place of survival and in your fear. Um and and

When fear turns into control

what you just said is true, Tyler, when when the foundation relationship has been damaged. Um the the knee-jerkreaction is to operate in those ways. And a lot of times what happens is rightwhen when somebody is in a relationship that's been damaged by betrayal, byaddiction, whatever, they go to therapy and they're told, "You need boundaries." And then the boundaries that they'rethey're taught or shown is all about stepping further into that fear cycle.Um which exacerbates the problem even more. And um and it's just notboundaries. Those aren't boundaries. Um they do need boundaries. That's true.They need actual healthy boundaries, right? And and we we say this on ourshow fairly often. U most people can get behind what a boundary is in terms ofsetting up protective forces for myself. Right. Like it's it's like setting up the boundaries the the wall theperimeter around your home base. Sure. Right. Um what what most people have aharder time understanding is is that in doing that what you're doing is you're spelling out who I am. And that is alsoan invitation to the right people who want to live the same values to to toenter into that same space with you. Right? So it's as much an invitation as it is a wall. It's actually it can beboth. Healthy boundaries destroy toxic relationships. It's one of my favoritequotes. And and I think one of your favorite quotes is healthy and bound healthy boundaries invite connection.Um, when I when I'm showing up with healthy boundaries, when I'm showing upauthentic, I'm vulnerable and and those people that love me and see me and knowme will want to attach, but those people that that that don't want to love mewill will there will be boundaries there and it will affect our relationships in those ways. Um, so yeah, boundarieschange relationships and and I believe for the better because you're actually operating from a place where you cancreate connection as a result of those healthy boundaries. That's right,Tyler. I wanted to talk I want to back up a little bit something you were talking about earlier. Um there'sthere's a there's a type of boundary that I think people don't see or theymisunderstand. Um let me give you some examples here.Um if let me let me if IOkay, here here's one for you. I go home and my son's mad at me and he's he'sjust had a hard day and he's taken it out on me and so I crumble and I thinkI'm the world's worst dad and I wallow in my shame all night long. Umthe the what's the what's the broken boundary there or or or what's the problem withboundaries there? Well, I think you're you're alreadyagain with what I was saying earlier, you're already losing your shape in terms of knowing who you are and nowyou're living a story of shame, which then leads you into a place of whatever you did, you disappeared and weren'tactually engaged in your son's life. Or maybe you overperformed and like went and tried to make the peace with him.You're not my dad anymore. And you're like, oh, like I better hurry and scramble and make him my dad again. or here here's here's ana here's an exampleBrandon of the same principle that just happened to us a couple of weeks ago.All right, we got a review that was like a negative review, which by the way, we love you guys' reviews, so thank you.Um, but we we got I even like the negative ones, but please don't send them. We But I do Ilike to hear them. Yeah. So, actually, I'm going to I'm actually going to read this and then talk about boundaries. I promise I'llland on my plane. All right. Okay. Okay. I'll give you a moment. Okay, give me a short leash if you need

Responding to criticism with strength

to. But uh I I really like Brandon and Patrick as individuals and enjoyed meeting withthem on the rising sun. You didn't even get your name right. That's I think it's just I have two first names. That happens all the time.I know it does. Happens to sometimes. Um but but one of the main challenges Ihave with the podcast is it is almost exclusively focused on married couples. If you are single and struggling withaddiction, they don't really have much to say for you. How do you approach dating if you're in recovery? How do yousee value in yourself if you struggle with addiction? When do you come clean about your addictive struggles as youbegin dating someone? These are all great questions. As a single person, this shows feel more feels more like ascared straight program for marriage. So many stories of marriages breaking up. So many stories struggling to getforgiveness, etc. Listening to this podcast makes me question whether a relationship or marriage is even worth it and why I'm struggling, why I'mtrying hard to make it happen in my life. I walk away far more discouraged about the prospect of marriage than encouraged. Fair. Yeah, that's a that'sa great that's a great thought. Number one, I'm sad that you're feeling so overwhelmed and discouraged by that. Iget that. I understand that. Now, here's here's where the boundaries work comes in. When I read that review, what wentthrough me instantly? Uh defensiveness. I don't know whatit was. Actually, it was actually the same thing that you just described be about your son thinking you're a baddad. Oh, okay. I was like, "Okay, I'm going to get on and do a whole episode and I'm going to answer all of his questions." Is this your way of doing it?Yeah. Yeah. Here we go. So, so here we go. I'm going to I'm going to tell you the answer to all your questions. No. Like, so, but that's but that was theresponse. Like, oh, I hate that this person's hurting. Like, they asked some good questions. Every one of those questions would be a great topic for apodcast, right? And I got on and I was on my by myself that week and I was actually going to answer all thequestions and then I caught myself and I thought I'm doing this from the wrong energy in the wrong place.Right? And what the healthy boundary I think is for me in order for me to keep my form is to say, "Hey, thank you forthe review." Number one. Number two, I'm really sad that you're hurting and that that's been your experience with us.It's true. We do do a lot of couple stuff and some of it's not very fun. We're pretty sometimes.And number three, I would love to have a discussion on any one of those topics, but I'm not going to answer them whenthey're delivered in this format. So come on the show and we'd love to have a conversation with you.All right. Okay. And why? So what's underneath that boundary? So So I just heard you just kind of laid the line inthe sand there. So what's the principle I guess that?So B, so there you go. Good. So now we're building off of what boundaries should be, right? They should be based off ofvalues and principles, right? I don't want to reward what I perceiveas unhealthy behavior by a passive aggressive asking of questions through a negative review.That's okay. So, what do you what do you value here? What are you protecting?I value respectful communication. I value healthyconflict management. I value uh a real conversation with a real person. And Idon't want to reinforce someone staying in victim mode by going and actually answering all of those questions when itcame through the way that it did, which you would do if you if you took your frustration.Well, and I also turned around and did an episode. I also value acting in my own strengthand in my own authenticity rather than for my own fear. And I know that my knee-jerk reaction was to answer from myown fear and my own like insecurities. Right. Right. So, I don't I don't want to do that. It doesn't mean that I couldn't answerthose questions. Maybe we will on a different episode someday. But I want hopefully when this person comes on.Yeah. Yeah. That'd be awesome. But I want to make sure that I'm also in the right energy to do that. That is Ihave a heart to answer this question rather than, oh, I better hurry and scramble because somebody was mad at me.Yeah. Yeah. So all of a sudden you're acting from this place of shameultimately, right? Like I'm I got to fix this. I don't know. Versus like stopping, not overattaching. This personmight have just had a bad day. Like who know? Who knows what happened? Or we talked about something that reallytriggered something, you know? I don't know. That happens a lot, right? Like why do why do we need totake that personally? and and and and that right there what I just said thatis the boundary is knowing where that person stops and I begin and once andyou can see the boundary there they are they are an entity unto themsself and it's okay for them to think and feelexactly how that everything that they think and everything that they feel is okay and and it doesn't it's not an indictment onme or on you and when we know that um we can still hear feedback back. We canstill listen. Um but it doesn't define us. So when it doesn't define us, thenwe get to say, okay, what does define us? What what who am I? What are mytruths here? And and how do I show up as and when I say powerful, I mean powerfulin a good way. Like God's power inside of you, the truth. How do I show up in the most powerful productive way thathelps and for me that helps spread peace and love here? Right? That's the goal, right?Yeah. And so and so like that's your values. What you're talking what you're speaking are your values,right? And and I make this sound so easy and altruistic and but the fact of thematter is is like when you have let me give you an example. Let's let's say youworked a long hard day, like difficult, and you get home and and none of thekids have like cleaned up anything, you know, it's a mess, and your wife's madat you about something and like all all of this stuff. And you walk in there andyou're exhausted and you're supposed to hold true to form. You're supposed to sit in yourintegrity, not take things personally. Um, and let's say there's a background of all kinds of like frustration orwhatever and and and you're supposed to stay firm, right? It it can be really really difficult in those moments whereyou cave and you turn around and you act in ways like you don't want to. You you act in your anger or you shut down oryou give the power to the relationship because you you just don't have it to give.Right? So, so everything you just described would be examples of me crossing my ownboundaries for myself. Okay, explain that.Well, because every one of those things that you just described is outside of my value system. So, I'm human. We all dothis sometimes. I go home and yell at the kids occasionally. Unfortunately, I don't like to. Um, but that's against myvalue system. So when I when I act against my value system, I'm actually crossing my ownboundaries, right, Tyler? We we read the book Extreme Ownership and I actually reallyliked that book. Um, but it's that principle, right? like I can go home andI can walk into that house that's just a total like shiz show whatever and and Ican I can back up and say, "Okay, it's my responsibility to step up and live inmy integrity and in my values. It doesn't matter what storm is going onhere. I don't want to yell at my kids. I don't want to have the energy of disdaintoward people. I don't want to be a jerk. I don't you know like I so I'm going to be boundaried and I'm going toshow up the best way I possibly can. Right. That's right. And that's andthat's based off of the person that when I look in the mirror, that's who I want to be. Right. When I'm when I'm lookingat setting a boundary, the very first thing I have to ask is is when I go to bed tonight and I look myself in the mirror, can I sleep on a clearconscience? Right? And and if the answer to that is yes, then you're probably at least in the beginning places of where yourboundaries would be most effective. Now, right where where another place where this gets tricky for people, andthis is really really difficult, is that we don't live in a black and white crispworld like that. It's there's a lot of middle ground and gray area. And in boundaries work, the same thing is true.Where in an effort to try to protect one or two or three set three values on onedirection, I feel like I'm sacrificing other values that are also important. They compete. They compete all the time.I want to I value fidelity in marriage. I value I value hanging in there for the

Navigating conflicting values

long run. I also value honesty and safety. Now my partner's betraying me.I need to figure out how to protect the need for honesty and safety while also honoring the fact that I really valuelike staying for the long haul and and and giving it giving it my best shot, right? That's that's where people comeinto conflict is trying to figure out how do I merge what feel like conflicting values into a set ofboundaries that I can live with and and like what I see in the mirror when I go to bed at night. And and what you're describing, Tyler,is that's the refiner's fire. like that that's where you really get to figureout who you are and and know yourself and and in those moments like I don't Idon't think it's necessarily like the most important thing to know exactly what your truth is. I think themost important thing is to know how to get to your truth. is to is to know howin those moments to stop to pause to connect to God to to to understandyourself and then act accordingly because because in all those moments they are nuanced there there's gray areathere's right and so like if I for example Tyler if I'm talking to oneperson I might have I might show up a certain way because of who they areversus if I'm talking to another person and I'm authentic with with both of them, but I'm just responding to to tothe situation with them, right? Um, not not it's not that I'm not authentic.It's just that I'm reading the room and being honest about what's going on with that interaction with that person.That's right. and being and being I think part of what you're talking about, Brown, and this is why we this is why we talk so much about building a lifestylethat includes regular mindfulness is becoming conscious of the choices thatI'm making rather than just being reactive or a victim to circumstance.So, if I if I spell out and I go, you know what, man, I'm I'm being cheated onalmost weekly. My partner's not getting any better, but we've got four kids. my partner's a great parent. Um, I'm goingto probably be emotionally disconnected because I can't engage with someone who's going to keep portraying my trust that way, but I also value staying in amarriage for the long haul. And I also value our kids being able to have that relationship.I'm going to choose that consciously and that's still going to come with an immense amount of pain, but at leastit's a choice. Um, I'm still I'm still now I'm still now owning my decisions toto do what I choose to do with all of the consequences that come with it. And that makes us likeby owning the choice itself and being conscious of what we're signing up for in a weird way, we suffer less.And that's and that's why outlining what are the values here that are why am I so torn up about this and why do I feel sostuck? It's probably because there's two sets of values that have me feeling stuck because I feel like if I go one way, I'm betraying another set. But if II'm conscious, I'm like, "All right, this is everything that's in play. Myself-respect is going to be really it's going to be really difficult to keep my self-respect if I do this, this, and this." But but I think in thissituation, I value X, Y, and Z more. Or you know, DBT spells it out reallysimply. They say that we interact with people for three reasons, three primary reasons. Uh, one is to just get what wewant. Two is to maintain our sense of self and keep our self-respect. And three is to try to build connection. Andin any situation, one of those three will likely rise to the top above the other two, even thoughthey might all be important. So, if I go into the car dealership, I'm probably got I just want to get a good deal andget what I want. I might use some of the other connection pieces and self-respect pieces to get that, but that's theprimary thing. Whereas when I go home tonight, what I'm really wanting is just some some deep intimacy and connectionwith my wife and a and a good discussion. I'm probably going to put connection above maybe the other two,even though those will still be important. But I need to know what I'm choosing and why. Well, I think in thesociety that we live in, um, what naturally is taught is that relationshipis the most important thing. And and so our self-respect and our objectives getthrown out um quite easily and like there is a there is an epidemic of resentment in in the world world that welive in and um and a lack of authenticityand like right now Tyler I'm in a you talk about this interpersonal situation.I'm in one right now and it's it's it's complex. It's it's tricky. Um, andwhat's interesting is you say, "One of them rises to the top." Well, this this relationship is an importantrelationship. I see this person a lot. I'm connected to this person in manydifferent ways. And but the objective is rising to the top here.And so, in your current situation, in my current situation with with this person, the objective is I I know it. II I I want the objective to not be at the top because it's easier to sell outand keep the peace in the relationship, but there's no way around it. Like, Ican't I can't deny that I need to do what I need to do in order for thisobjective to get met, and I know it's going to affect that relationship. Um,and and that and that's hard. I I think we a lot of times get put in thesesituations and it's like well what do I say or how do I actually tell them no? How do I actually right but it'simportant if if you can't be the person who can say no or you can't be the person to say I need this then that theother people in your life they don't know you. Yeah. They don't trust you. You're not honest.And if you're not healthily boundared you're not showing up honest. Yeah. It comes back to what you saidbefore that the best boundaries they they allow room for people to enter intoeach other's space, but the best relationships are where everyone involved knows where I end and you beginand we each accept that in one another. I I uh Tyler, I I might be driving thishome a little little hard here, but I I just think it it needs to be understood.Um I can't I can tell you several different sessions that I've done whereum like uh let's say a woman is sitting on my therapy couch and then her husbandwalks in, sees her sitting there and he looks down to the floor. You can justfeel his his shame and his his fear around the relationship and the thesituation to sit there in the therapy office and nothing has been said.Nothing. We have we're not discussing anything and I'm already picking up on poorboundaries in that relationship and it's an energetic thing. And in thatin that case, it sounds like the poor boundaries are based off of um an energy of of shame and fear ratherthan an energy of authenticity. It's a it's a you know this example ishe looks at at her as his god where he gets all of his self-worthand so he doesn't know where he stops and she begins. He he overattaches andconsumes her. And for that reason, he's scared of her. And can you see thebroken boundaries here? The co this codependent attachment that they have going on um creates all kinds ofproblems from it. But the lack of boundary is is simply both of themknowing I'm okay unto myself. I love myself. I trust myself. I know who I am.Therefore, I can look you in the eye. I can be honest with you. Um I I can beauthentic in our relationship. Um so you can see how the shame corrodsunderneath creates that overattachment or that codependency creates theresentment creates the all the problem all the problems. Yeah. Shame corrods a sense of self andthe values. The values and the sense of self start to go and then that leads to either more shame or more resentment andless connection which is what we're trying to go for in the first place in our in most of our relationships.I know. Isn't that crazy how we shoot oursel in the foot? It's weird. It's so weird how we're so scared of being rejected that we betraywho we are to try to be accepted and then people don't want to be with us because we're not authentic.Abs. I know it's crazy. instead of just letting us ourselves work really hard on being okay with knowing ourselves reallywell and inviting the right people in this world to find us and and be in our space with usand that and that is not being unloving and not being like connected to othersfeelings but it's that it's that space where I'm connected to your feelings and I care about you but I'm also honest andI know who I am. Yeah. And and I can even I can even acknowledge that who I am and the wayI'm showing up in the world does have an impact on you, right? And and I can besensitive to that. I can understand that. Like I know I know that I'm not for everybody. Like it's just it's justthe truth. I don't know. Your po your poems go out to a wide audience. Hey, the the po the poems land on a wideon a wide audience. And I have I've surveyed the audience. is something like 40% love it.Only 40%. That's a lot. That's a lot. That's not nearly enough. I need I needmore approval than that. So,it's it's funny though, Brandon, because like that's something that has been the case. I I think we watch it with ourclients over and over again, you know, and this is what's hard is that's why it's called recovery. In a lot of ways,we're recovering the truth of who we already were. And then the world came in and our life experiences and otherpeople told us that we were somebody that we actually weren't. Then we tried to peg hole ourselves into that instead of just accepting the truthof who we were and letting it's that whole like you know umgreatest showman this is me song, right? Like hey this is this is me andand I I probably will. The the beautiful thing about that is that it sifts people out really quickly. Like you you'll getrid of the people who you're not supposed to connect to really quickly, but you'll also invite the right people in really quickly, too.Yep. So, this this is I could talk boundaries all day, Tyler. I I I I think thatwhen when you grasp this, when you get it, that's when you're really stepping into real recovery.And so, I love talking about it. Um I tried to I tried to hit it earlier. We did get a comment here while we werelive that just says, "If you don't have boundaries, how can you cross them?" That's I don't know if that's astatement or a question, but yeah, I don't know what that means, but it's it's true. I mean, we all crossour boundaries from time to time because we're human beings. Yeah. Uh so key takeaways for I thinkour conversation today is the work of radical self-acceptance and completehonesty and authenticity is actually right in line with good boundaries workand understanding who you are and what your values are and then showing up inside of those values inside of yourlife and your relationships make the bones of good boundaries. Then the last thing that I would say that we

Wrap-up & key takeaways

didn't quite get to as much is the follow through on a boundary is mychoice of what I'll do when my values are either upheld or walked over.Yep. So I'm the one who's who's uh choosing to do or not do somethinginstead of dictating what everyone else has to do or what the world has to do. You want to see good boundaries? uhstudy Martin Luther King, Gandhi, and Jesus. All right.So, they got it figured out. So, all right, Tyler, that was fun. Um, if thiswas helpful, please share it. Uh, we could use, you know, a few good reviewsto counteract some of the negative ones. So, don't be shy to go leave us a review. Um, we would we would reallylove to have you come on the show, too. Honestly, therapyros.org. Bring any question you want, Bren.