Let’s Talk About Step 8 and a Half for Recovery

Let's talk about step eight and a half for recovery.What is going on you guys? Tyler, the older brother, wandering therapist here today. I am actually alone. Brandon andI have been uh alternating some schedules lately. Um he is now gonevisiting a cousin and on a trip with my other brother uh I think participatingin a golf tournament. And I think I was invited, but I wasn't really invited tobe on the golf tournament part of it because they've all seen me golf before and uh they didn't want me as part ofthat final link on their team because they actually wanted the chance of being successful. So, um I hope Brandon'shaving a really good time uh today and um I'm so grateful that he was willingto cover me last week. So, I'm here to return the favor and hopefully we'll get something productive done here andsomething valuable here for you today. Um, a couple of things uh that I justwanted to mention. I didn't get to I think Brandon did on the last episodes that he recorded, but I didn't get achance to just express really my heartfelt gratitude and lovefor all of the men that I got to meet at the Rising Sun retreat just a couple of weeks ago.Um through the whole experience I was just completely filled with loveand gratitude and waves of emotion of just like purelove and energy. And I wanted to thank every single man who came and broughthis heart, brought his soul, brought his energy and who really fully threwhimself into that experience because the collective energy of the whole group was phenomenal for me. I feel like theluckiest guy in the world that I get to be in the realm of working with men like each and every single one of you. I getto be a witness of you as you take on your life's challenges, as you face the demons that are in your own personalcaves, as you struggle against your own personal weaknesses. And I get to feelof your willingness and your energy to never quit,to continue to cultivate a heart that is good and to shine your light in theworld in ways that I that I see you guys shining your light in the world. So, um,thank you. Thank you to every single one of you for who you are and for what youbrought me. The gift of getting to know you a little bit uh a couple of weeks ago.Uh another quick announcement. I think we have a little ad running right now about it, but it's coming up veryquickly. It's just in the next few days. We are doing a foundations of recoveryclass that is for either an individual or a couple. You can come together. Itstarts this Thursday from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. Mountain time. It's a 6- weekcourse and it's it's going to be really really good. We do this in person. Weused to do these in person when we were running our own private practices and this is the first time that we've run one online.So, you can have access to both Brandon and myself. We will be leading thecourse. It will be two hours, one night a week for six weeks. And it's going to cover everything. We're going to talkabout restoring trust in relationships. We're going to talk about the effects of betrayal. We're going to talk about trauma. We're going to talk aboutforgiveness. We're going to talk a lot about emotional regulation and then all of the healthy tools. Really not tools,but also principles of what a wholehearted recovery looks like and wewould love to see you there. So, go to reclaimyouheart.org and you'll see a link there if you'reinterested in learning more about the foundations of recovery. Um today I wanted to talk a little bitabout with you this with you guys. This has kind of come up just as a result of some things that I'm seeing in my ownlife. Uh so some of this is personal and and it seems to be just swirling aroundme right now in the lives of so many of my clients. And so I wanted to talk a little bittoday about uh what sometimes is referred to as step eight and a half inthe 12 steps. So, those of you guys who are familiar with the 12 steps, or ifyou're not, the 12 steps is like the classic, you know, sort of pattern of recovery. What I love about the 12 stepsis if you really look at it from a principled kind of a place, umit it seems to be a living and breathing active way of continuallyliving uh in kind of a state of repentance when it comes to cultivatingthe right heart of humility, willingness, and growth mindset. And and so there's all of these stepsthat you kind of work systematically until you get to step 12. And then step, you know, steps 10, 11, and 12 are kindof the ongoing sort of maintenance and management of all of the other steps that you've already worked. But I wanted to talk alittle bit today about steps eight and nine and what happens in between them that not many people often really thinkabout when they're working their own steps but they become it becomes a very pivotal part of the recovery proprocess. So step eight the first between step eight and nine let's do let's getstep eight and nine out there really quickly. So, step eight is all about making alist. And I'll just read it. It says, "I made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends tothem all." So, when I'm working the 12 steps, when I get to that part, I am now starting tokind of take accountability. I'm starting to actually clean up a lot of the damage that I've done in my life asa result of whatever's gone on with my kind of compulsive behaviors or addictions and all the things that havegone with it. And now I'm willing to take ownership for the things that I've done to hurtother people and I'm willing to make amends. Right? So I make a list of allthe people in my life that I have potentially harmed. And I don't know howmany of you guys have actually done this exercise. It's a great exercise even if you're not actually working recoveryfrom an addiction. Like this is just a good exercise. You want to you want to start to liberate yourself. You want tolook for ways to free yourself from some of the burdens that you're carrying and might not even realize that you're carrying them. These two steps becomevitally important. Um, so I challenge you guys number oneto take this challenge on in and of in and of yourselves if you're listening to this episode. It's a it's kind of a hardone because you have to do some really deep introspection and thinking about yourself, your life, and yourrelationships. Um, and so I make basically a list of thepeople that I know that I have harmed in the past and I put them top of mind and then Ibecome willing to make amends to them. And then step nine is I made direct amends to such people wherever possibleexcept when to do so would injure them or others. Right? So sometimes sometimes you don'twant you don't want the making of amends to be selfish for yourself even when itis detrimental to the other person that you're trying to make amends to. So the amends needs to be for the other personnot to make a clear conscience for myself if it's going to be damaging to somebody else. But but in essence stepnine is then I now take action. So, I've made a list of these people that I've harmed and I've contemplated how I'veharmed them, what I may have done. So, this is the empathy part where Irealize, you know what, my lying to my partner for the last 5 years hasprobably affected them in this, this, this, this, this, this, this way, right? I'm willing to take ownership for that.I recognize that that's the nature of what's happened with my behaviors. And when I can, I'm going to go and I'mgoing to make amends for that. So this is hard because sometimes I mean the truth is you know for most ofus when we look at our relationships there's at least some relationships by nature of being human. This is a humanthing and then it gets even like worse and more insidious if you add on things like addiction and then all the waysthat we protect ourselves in addiction. Um, but the truth is is that every one of us has probably done something tosomebody in our lifetime that we can't actually fix,right? It doesn't mean that we shouldn't want to. We want we have a heart that's willing and when we can, we make amends.So easy. If I stole something from somebody, I need to go and replace thething that I stole, right? It gets a little bit more difficult when there'sall of these intangible things that my behaviors have done to hurt somebody else. If I've spent years gaslightingsomebody and they've ended up feeling a lot of self-doubt, they've ended up feeling alot of self-lame, they've ended up feeling like they're crazy,I'm not going to be able to go and fix those things, per se, right? I can'tnecessarily make full amends for those things. And that leaves a gap sometimes. Andthat gap is a place where we get stuck. We get stuck in a place of not beingable to forgive ourselves. And we often get stuck because theperson who's been harmed is still looking for justice to be served, but there's really no way to have actualjustice served in terms of evening the ledger. Right? The best we can do is takeaccountability and offer empathy and then make amends where possible. So those are the two steps. Those twosteps in and of themselves are the pathway tothey're on the pathway to liberation, self-liberation. And in the right casesto healing and reconciling relationships. The simple truth is is that inrelationships that I've damaged, there will be some relationships that I can and are worth saving and reconciling.And there will be other relationships that probably will not be saved, thatwill not be reconciled, and that that might still be the best course of action moving forward. Either way, I want tobring myself to a place of peace. So, I I've done an episode about this before, but I have a personal onethat I know I'm never going to be able to fix. This was done as a little boy, as achild, you know, a teenage kid where I was kind of a bully to uh another kid.And as I've gotten older and as I've recognized that what I had done probablyhad some pretty significant less some pretty significant marks on this kid, I I've tried to find him and I haven'tbeen able to find him. And um that's something that I'm never going to be able to repair. That's something I'm never going to be able to fix. Um, Iwould pray for the day when I could look him in the eyes and tell him that I'm sorry for what I've done and give him ahug and acknowledge all the things that probably have gone on as a result of the things that the ways that I treated him.But, um, to date, that is still an open-endedloop. It's something that I have to I have to live with every day knowing thatI can't fix it. I can't even say I'm sorry other than the way that I have.Um, that's a hard that's a hard burden to carry. And and if I'm not careful,I need to be cultivating a heart that says if I could, I would.And that's that's a a willing heart. That's a humble heart. That's a broken heart. And that's part of what stepseight and nine are all about is the brokenness of heart to the point of realaccountability. That's what we're looking for. Now, inside these two steps, there'sanother one that gets talked about here in the book. It's in the white book. I'm going to read it to you. They call it step eight and a half. But it's notabout the other people. It's actually about the resentments that we hold on toin our own lives that we actually are on the hook to now learn to let go of.So, you know, you think about this is the the classic story, uh, the Biblestory. This is a this is a story that's never really fully sat well with me because it didn't really feel just tome, but the story of the prodigal son, right? We all we all have heard itbefore, but basically the two brothers both work in the same company for theirfather and they the one brother goes and I don't even know if this is the truthor not but I always frame it as the younger brother. Go pick go on that one because probably because I relate tobeing the older brother. So So um but anyway, the one brothercomes to the dad and says, you know, hey, I want I want to go out on my own. I would like to have what's, you know,rightfully mine with my inheritance and I want to take off. And then he goes and he takes off with all of this basicallyhis birthright. And he goes out into the world and he spends it all on what'scalled riotist living. And of you guys can picture what that is, but basically it sounds self-serving. It soundsaddictive. Um, you know, the whole story just rings of addiction to me, you know,in terms of the work that we do. So he he goes out into the world. He blows everything that was his birthright.So much so that he finds himself living with the pigs. And he says tohimself, "Even my even my father's servants live better than I do. Maybe Icould return home and become a servant or something." But he finally hits rockbottom, right? He finally hits rock bottom and he starts to return home andeven while he was a far off, the father sees him and what does he do?He runs to him. He falls on him. He kisses his neck. He tells everybody tocome and celebrate the return of his son. And meanwhile, the other brother who wasthe diligent one that stayed there all along, made the right choices, helped run the family business,he's feeling like this lack of sense of justice, right?And he's wondering like why what why why is my brother who's been basically atool bag, why is he getting all the attention and all the love right now when I've been the one who's done allthe right things? This does not seem right. this does not seem just. And heends up kind of forming inside of his own heart a canker like a like a callousin his own soul in his own way of being towards not only his brother but towards his father and towards the wholesituation. And later on in the story the the famousline in the in the Bible is in whom lies the greater sin.in whom lies the greater sin. So now you've got this brother who went and took off, wasted a bunch of stuff,partied, had a great time until he didn't have a great time anymore and addiction was killing him. Supposedly,this is my interpretation right now. And then he comes home after being an idiotand he gets all of the extra attention and the extra love. Meanwhile, I've been the good guy and now there'sno recognition, there's no justice. and in whom lies the greater sin.Now you guys think about this in your own lives. This is a hard one to contemplate. You know, some of you whoare listening are probably in pretty dark situations where you are you are sittingin the same spot as the the good brother, right? You didn't do anythingwrong. Somebody else probably somebody you lovehas gone and done something to blow your life up. They've caused you added struggle, added heartbreak, brokentrust. They've hurt you in some way. They've manipulated you in some way in their own self-p protection. They notonly hurt you, but then they lied to you and then made you feel crazy. All of that is going on. And now you'vegot this wrestle inside yourself and you're wanting things to work out. Let's say you're wanting things to workout even with this person that you're with. Maybe it's your own relationship. Maybe it's a child. You want things towork out, but you're stuck in this rock in a hard place becausethere's still a cry for justice. There's still a need for acknowledgement of the pain that you've experienced.There's a feeling of lack of fairness. This is something that's always been hard for me, even as a therapist. Sooften I see situations where somebody makes a terrible choice and then as a result of that terrible choice they feela ton of shame and so they double down on shame screen kinds of behaviors. Theyget controlling, manipulative blaming and then it feels like justice isn'tserved because then the person who's done all the damage seems to walk away with the least amount of scars.And that's never quite sat well with me. I don't think it sits well with anybody.But the truth is is that the pathway forward is an individual pathway forward.And all of us in some ways we are prone to it. We have to guard ourhearts really, really carefully because we are prone to needing or wanting in some way to bethe victim to something or somebody.There's something that's intoxicating about it. It feels good to be justified in ourfeelings. Our anger can sometimes be protective and can feel good. Uh the need to havesomebody else need to pay, need to suffercan feel good. But the price that it costs usis the actual principle of the pathway to freedom which is personal accountability.We, each and every one of us is on the hook for our ownfreedom, our own power, our own redemption,our own love, our own vibrance of the way that we liveour lives. And many of us are burdened and bogged downby the resentments that we hold towards other people. And that is step eight and a half.So, between making a list of the things I've done to harm people and making amends to those very people that I'veharmed, I also need to take a minute, if I'm being honest with my own heart.And I need to excuse me.I need to engage in step 8 and a half, which isoften we perceive that the ones we have wronged are themselves guilty of real or imagine wrongs against us. Nursing theseresentments, we have never forgiven them. Think about this.You know, whether you're the one who's maybe listening to this podcast who's done the betraying, ask yourself this question. Are thereare there slivers or big massive moes and beams of resentmentthat you've had to attach yourself to in order to justify the behaviors you've done to hurt people?Have you made yourself a victim in some way without even knowing that you've done it?Have you had unmet needs and not asked for those needs to be metor addressed or seen or validated and then had it go internally to say thatnobody cares about you and that you know my partner or my children or whatever else never pay attention to mewhen in reality you were the one who actually developed and grew and held on to thoseresentments. and what are they doing for you?So, I challenge you guys if you're listening to think about this. Pick one. Pick any resentment that you currentlyhave in your life. It could be a big one, could be a small one, you know, could be the the person whothis just happened on the way to work today. I was I was turning uh I was trying to make a right turn and acrossthe way there was a guy who I think was trying to like um make a left turn forhim. So, we're both trying to go the same way. I could tell he'd been sitting there for quite a while while trafficwas going by. And then I pulled up and I had the right of way to make the turn. And so I made the turn and as I turnedthe guy sitting in the driveway across the street from me like was like giving me the double bird finger and yelling atme. And uh I don't think I did anythingwrong. I think he was just having a rough day because he'd been stuck in that same parking lot for probably thelast three minutes and it didn't seem just to him that my rideway would allow me to go after like just a couple ofseconds and then caused him to have to wait longer. Um, if I would have noticed it, I probably would have changed it,but I didn't notice it until I was like making the turn and seeing the double bird finger and whatever choice wordswere coming out of his mouth. Right. Um,he's harboring a resentment towards a total stranger for what end? To what end?What's what's going to be the fruit of that resentmentif if that man continues to harbor harbor it?Now, what are we doing in our own lives that are very similar? Ask yourself when you look at theresentment that you're thinking of, why am I holding on to the resentmentand what fruits is it producing? There might be some good reasons,right? When we've been hurt and our feelings haven't been validated,when we've been mistreated and there is no justice,it sometimes feels like the only thing we have to cling to to try to get that is to harbor those resentments.when we've been damaged by somebody who isn't sorry, who might even actually be like hittingthe hornets nest even more and maybe making it feel like it's our fault or making fun of us or trying to hurt usfurther. Harboring that resentment is the natural thing to do.And yet, what fruits does it produce?justification, the need to be right.I was just reading this the other day and maybe I'll share it with you here. This comes from Puma Shodron, the placesthat scare you. It says, "We take ourselves so seriously that we are so absurdly important in ourown minds. It is a problem for us. We feel justified in being annoyed witheverything. We feel justified in denigrating ourselves or in feeling thatwe are more clever than other people. Self-importance hurts us, limiting us tothe narrow world of our likes and dislikes. We end up bored to death with ourselves and our world. We end up neversatisfied.The world the world revolves around each of us automatically. And it takesconsciousness to recognize that the world actually revolves around something bigger, far bigger than us.Our resentments pull us into a self-centered world.Our resentments make our lives small. They make our lives painful.They make our lives closed. They put walls up around our heart anddon't allow us to feel. They rob us of other experiences.They rob us of the ability to make and set healthy boundaries.And ultimately what I think is the the biggest tragedy be tragedy about us holding on to resentments is they theresentments themselves pro place a callous over our ability to shine loveinto the world to live completely wholeheartedlyto accept that this world and that this life has its problems. It has its challenges. It has its struggles. It hasits stupid people who make dumb decisions, which by the way, when youlook at it, is pretty much every one of us too from time to time.And it robs us of being able to simply just live life on its terms.It leaves us in the state of the older brother, in whom lies the greater sin.It's not about in whom. It's about what sin means.Sin is a disconnection from our higher power.Sin is a disconnect from the life that we were intended. Sin is without connection.That's what sin is. And if we're stuck comparing whose sinis greater, we by nature of doing that comparison are already disconnected from the livesthat we were designed for. It's only through surrendering all ofthose things, through letting goHere'sthe definition of forgiveness. This is a hard one. Forgiveness is never even about the other person.The true meaning of forgiveness is the deliberate decision to release resentment and anger towardssomeone who has harmed you. Forgiveness is a deliberate decision torelease resentment and anger towards someone who has harmed you.Now, what are the fruits of that? What happens when you actually make thedecision to release resentment and anger? It doesn't say forgiveness is thethe invitation to continue to be hurt over and over again by the same person.It doesn't say the need to let it go as soon as somebody is sorry.It doesn't say as soon as justice has been served according to your interpretationsthen forgiveness in is whole and complete. Forgiveness is an internal process.the deliberate decision to release resentment and anger towards someone who has harmed you, which is primarily aninternal process for the forgivers's own peace. It's not the same as forgetting,excusing, or condoning the wrong. Nor does it mean reconciling with the offender or trusting them again.Instead, it involves letting go of the desire for revenge to free yourselffrom the past hurt which allows you to move forward with a deeper sense of peace.I imagine I don't know if this is true. I know this is true for me that if I think about that this question, what doI want in my life? What do I really want in my life?I think the deepest feeling that I want most often would include something likepeace, joy, freedom,power. You know what the fruits of fruits areof forgiveness are? When it's whole and complete,peace, joy, freedom,power. You know how much power it takes to wholeheartedly forgive,to wholeheartedly let go.But the fruits are immense.They're beautiful.Now, how do we do it? That's the question, right? Step eight and a half.Back to step eight and a half really quickly for just a minute or two longer.Somewhere between making the list and making the amends, there is an unwritten requirement that we forgive. And wediscover we're as powerless over resentment as an unforgiving spirit as we ever were over lust, sex, ordependency. So what do we do? We work the steps on this. Like everything else,we take the action of forgiving even when we don't feel forgiving. Most of us never seem to feel forgivinguntil we take that inner action of giving up our right to resent. Giving up the right to resent.practicing forgiveness in our hearts as we think of these people. Then aloud, perhaps even with our sponsor, weforgive every person on our list and keep forgiving them every time the resentment returns.We may find it necessary to forgive and pray for them each time we think about them until we are free of theresentment. The willingness and the gift of love do come if we persist.Surrendering our resentments, we ask for a willingness to forgive all persons guiltyof real or imagined wrongs against us and forgive each one.I've got plenty of these in my own life. You guys, you guys know what it's like to wrestle, to have that like jaw clenchup and that pit in the stomach. I imagine somebody could probably mention just one or two names of people in myown life. Like my brothers do this to me on purpose. Um here's an example ofthis. Uh my uh my high school basketball coach was a man who um I don't thinklived the same kinds of principles that I've currently learned to want to live. And he was pretty uhhe his coaching style was not one of love. It was one more of coercion and fear and criticism. And um there were alot of there were a lot of uh uh there's a lot of pain that I carriedwith me after high school as a result of the things that happened in high schoolplaying under this coach. Um, years and years later, this isdecades now later. I just found out that this coach passed away just recently ofold age. And my brothers, thinking it was funny, sent me like his obituary. And we're like, "Hey, condolences,Tyler. We know this is a really, really rough day for you. We know you've got to just be totally torn up about it."And uh this is the part that I don't like to admit, but the very first response inside my soul when I foundthis news out was a tightening of my chest, a pit inmy stomach. I could feel the muscles in my face all clench up. And the thought in my head was,"Why didn't it happen sooner?" What?I just had thoughts wishing ill upon another human being because of the pain that I'm still carrying from decadesago. Most days it doesn't bother me. I don't think about it until my brothers throwout this thing joking around like, "Oh yeah, you're going to be really sad that this coach died. Like, here's the news,Tyler. I let me know what else you need. Do you need me to send you some flowers or something?" Right?um because they know how I felt over the years about this coach.According to the steps, I need to cultivate a willing heartand vocalize again for the 10,000th timethat I forgive those things. Now, in my case, it's pretty easy because I've done wrong a lot worse thanI've been done to. I am so desperately in need of so manypeople's forgiveness that there really is no reason for me to harbor any resentment towards anybody else. If Ireally believed in justice, I would willingly, freely give away all myresentments, and I would still have a debt to pay to even the ledger.But if not, it would still be on me for my sake,for the life that God designed me to live to vocalize that forgivenessand let it go and to do that over and over again untilthe heart lines up with the mind and it is full and complete.So, if you're listening to this, I know that you're probably struggling with your own resentments.Those resentments matter. Your story matters. The ways that yourlife has been affected matters. And I'm sorry for the pain that you'veexperienced. And the blessing that you have is thatyour pathway to freedom lies 100% with you.You can be free today.You don't have to carry it any longer. And the power lies 100% with you.So hopefully this is helpful you guys. Thank you for being here with me today.And if this is valuable in any way or if you know of somebody who it could be valuable for, please share it.And I again am so grateful for the people that I get to interact with every single day because of this podcast andbecause of my line of work. To see so many people in the trenches of their own lives, in their own arenas, giving theirvery best efforts is my favorite thing in the whole world. And I'm grateful to be in those trenches with you. And uhyou guys have a great day. Until next time, keep on keeping on.