My Child was present at the Charlie Kirk shooting, how do I help them manage the trauma?

Intro

My child was present at the Charlie Kirk shooting. How do I help manage the trauma?What's up, Tyler? Brandon, how are you doing, man? Good. Hey, I I I don't wantto be rude. I really don't want to be rude, but I I You could take deep offense to this. Uh oh. Um, so justbrace yourself. Um, yeah, brace yourself. I'm I'm justgoing to say it. Hay stacks are overrated. Oh, dude. I That That is actuallyoffensive to me. That's That's like my favorite food.They're good. They're good. They're good. I I actually enjoy them. I enjoy them like I enjoy like a peanut butterand jelly sandwich. I'm sorry, man. That You had a rough night last night then. No, I enjoy apeanut butter and jelly sandwich, but like, you know, it's like a hay stack. Whatever. Butdude, I I love hay stacks, man. What's your favorite part? Help meunderstand it. I don't understand it. Maybe. My kids make fun of me all the time because like, you know, for like birthday dinners or whatever. It's like,"What do you want for your birthday?" And my my wife's like, "I want steak and shrimp." Or like, you know, I'm like mywife's like, "What do you want for your birthday dinner?" Like I go honestly I just go for hay stacksand they just mock me. They like laugh at me. They think it's like so funny. So grandmafor people not listening like yeah for people for people who have no clue what a hay stack is. Basically it's a youtake a little bed of rice and then you throw some chicken and then some cheese and then a whole bunch of different liketoppings all over the top like vegetables like tomatoes, green onions, jalapenos, peppers. Likeit's it's like you could you could eat really good Asian food, but instead you eat this weird American invention ofthrowing a bunch of crap on rice. You throw stuff on rice and then you top it off with like there's two differentways to do it. You either do it with cream of chicken soup or you do it with chicken broth. I like the chicken broth really hotand then it just kind of melts everything in together and it makes a really tasty meal. Like um except forthe fact I like it. I don't love it. Well,I do like it. I do like we did Sunday dinner once a month and it was my month. So, I did hastacks. Now Brandon'scomplaining about it. So, I'm not complaining. I'm not complaining. I just, you know, I want tobe an honest an honest brother, you know. Yeah, that's all.Yeah. Well, thanks, man. I appreciate it. I'm not complaining. I actually really I'm I'm grateful for the mil for the hotmill. Well, it's it probably wasn't worth it for the drive time to come up. You're always good for a hot meal in a warmbed, man. Whatever, dude. All right. Uh, should we dive into this?Yeah, let's jump into this. Um, obviously like this is kind of the top of everybody's mind. We got a questited to us um today in writing. So, we're going to read the question. Um, we live, youknow, and kind of it's been kind of a really interesting situation livingsomewhat close to everything that happened last week with Charlie. I'm 20 minutes from there.Yeah. And so like and and just kind of like the whole I mean everything just the tragedy that that is you know just Iguess first things just a shout out to everybody who's been involved there forum just an acknowledgement of the pain and the loss and the grief that's that's there and gone on in so many differentways across so many different lives. Uh, it's I I think Brandon, it's so weirdbecause just living somewhat close to it and then having it all over the news, iteven me like totally removed in a lot of ways, it's it's definitely affected theway that I'm viewing my life and my relationships and my, you know, my priorities and and so this is a this isa hard kind of big thing, but somebody submitted a really good question and we wanted to try to try to help out today.Yeah. Um, I just want to reiterate what you're saying, Tyler, that the beforebefore we dive deep into this question that we got, but the the levels oftrauma and the it's an interesting one because I I hate to say this, but peopleget murdered all the time. Um, it it happens, you know, it happens in thecities across our country. Um, and so why did this one have such a such a kindof reverberation like a shock through everything? Andit it's more than just what happened. Itit kind of was a shot that rung out a and brought light to so many issues andproblems that we have going on. um e everything from the political divide toum what's happening with kids on their phones and media and umall those things even you you can bring religion into it because Charlie was so religious and and gun control and allkinds of stuff. Um, and so it it everybody has theirangle of I'd say disruption in their life here. And and I hate to say this,but even the people that support it and say that it was a good thing, I believethey're experiencing some disruption, too, because their hearts have to get to some kind of place to get there. Umso yeah, it's been a really fascinating interesting thing and um but what we'regoing to talk about specifically is the trauma or trauma in general that canhappen like this and what are some things that you can do as an individual to um to process and to find somehealing after trauma like this. Um, anything you want to add to that, Tyler?No. Why? I think that's great, Brandon. Let's, uh, let's just read the question you got and then we'll kind of get intothe discussion. Okay. So, um, says, "Would love an episode about uh, what to do afterexperiencing something traumatic like being in attendance at the Charlie Kirk event and witnessing the shooting andfearing for your own life and running in the aftermath." I think you can keep it non-political,but since this happened in Utah close to home, it would make sense for you to address it. I know many people inattendance, including our 17-year-old son, and feel like a majority of thepeople were young, like teens and young adults, would love advice, coping moving forward, what to keep an eye out for.Just an idea. Um, but it would be helpful to many, I'm sure.Yeah. So, I know that you're not alone with that. We've had several peoplereach out just living close on how to handle this. And I think you're right. Um, as Brandon was saying earlier,there's like layers to this. There's levels to this. There's like the immediate like umtrauma of the actual situation, right? Like so like even even this like when I heard the news that everything hadhappened I made it a point not to go find the footage because I didn't want to watch it and then when I got homethat day both of my daughters had already seen the footage and so I felt like I needed to know what they hadexperienced and they had they were already having a rough time just from a very far distance. So then being in thatplace where that heightened emotion comes up, something extremely like uh interms of the five senses traumatic happens and then there's the fight orflight response afterwards with themass chaos that goes on. That's kind of what she's referring to it sounds like in this question. And um we candefinitely get into this and and some things that can be helpful in the processing of of these things and thingsthat might not be helpful too. Yeah. Yep. UmI think it's important to understand how the brain works a little bit. So what Imean is when think about well I don't want our audience to to dig too much into your trauma right now, but there'scertain things in your life that you remember. They're seared in your brain. They're just there. Um, I think ofthings, Tyler, like when I saw a Brewster get hit by a car. Your first dog.Yeah. Never never will forget it and won't forget the sound, the sight, the the everything about that experience.Um, first time I saw pornography, um, seared in my mind. Um, and I couldgo on and on down the list of of things. I remember one time I pushed Rex into the street. He he fell over and his headwas about 3 in from a car tire that was driving past. Um like I remember that sowell. And the lady got out and just started reaming me. Um sowhy like why why are these things seared in my memory, Tyler? Why does our brain work that way?One one explanation that I've that I was given when we were in like the trainingfor EMDR, which is a treatment for trauma, is is this idea of let's sayyou've got, you know, if I'm holding my hand up, if you're watching on YouTube, if my fist is my my brain, you've got onthe outside, you've got kind of the the top brain or the upper brain, the prefrontal cortex, and then you've gotthe midbrain where my thumb is tucked into my fingers, and then you have the brain stem and The upper brain is thepart that's the kind of the rational brain and it's receiving thousands of pieces of information at any givenmoment and it's filtering out all of the different pieces to say that's important, this isn't important and thenit makes kind of say a file for this moment and then it's in conjunction with the midbrain and the brain stem it filesit away and says okay that was my conversation with Brandon today. When something traumatic happens, what endsup happening is is that the the top part of the brain gets overload loaded with all of this stimulus that's coming inand then the midbrain and the brain stem actually use all of the resources,especially the brain stem for survival. That fight, flight or freeze response kicks in and it draws all of theresources into fight, flight or freeze survival. Um, in doing that, it in some

Playing It Up

ways fatigues or paralyzes the top brain. And so the top brain can't organize and file all of thatinformation. And then the experience gets sort of processed in in sort of adisjointed and broken kind of a way. And so that's where people start to have it. Some of it gets locked in their bodies.That's why you see some people have certain physical ailments with trauma. And then they have a hard time findingmeaning. And um this is a definition of from Gammor Mateuh his definition of trauma. There's a few that we could go through, but trauma is not what happens to you, but whathappens inside you as a result of what happens to you. It's a psychic woundthat leaves a scar on your soul, making you less flexible, more rigid, and more fearful. It's not the event itself thatcauses the trauma, but the meaning that you make of the event and the impact that it has on your inner world. Traumacan be caused by anything that disrupts your sense of safety, security, or belonging or that leaves you feelingunloved, abandoned, or unworthy. I I love that quote. I've used thatquote many times. Um but something interesting about it is even if you know that even if what like what Gabber Matesaid there, what happens with it, I I loved how you described that, Tyler. I think it'simportant that we we really explain what you just said. Um but even if you knowthat this this happens subconsciously and automatically.Yeah. It's not something you think about. It's what something that's kind of almost just is because of the

Disney World Lesson

experience that you're having. Right. Yeah. It's a reaction. It's I've experienced this thing. So now I'mhypervigilant. Now I'm ready. I'm ready to protect. I'm ready to do what I needto do to to survive in this world. Uh, and so my lyic system, my midbrain isthere firing off saying, "We're going to take charge here because we'veexperienced something so overwhelming that we don't want to experience that again." And like you say, it starts tolike the symptoms start to come as, you know, ailments in the body. Um, hypervigilance or shutting down inrelationships like avoidance of attachment. you like you're hedgingagainst vulnerability is is what you're doing because you've had that trauma and it starts to have implications on yourlife as a result. Exactly. And those implications might beactual physical behaviors to where that hypervigilance leads you to maybe not put yourself out there as far into theworld as you used to because you're worried about getting hurt again. It might also be a belief system kind of athing that you know like for for example when I was in high school and losing my friend when he fell off the school roofand I was there and I watched it all happen and I witnessed it and I did the first aid on him and then he died the next day. Um I was so flooded with whathad just happened emotionally that I I I really couldn't process it any otherway. And then the meaning and this is where that definition comes in. the thescar on my soul was the meaning that I attached to it which was I wasresponsible I was responsible for the death of my friend and then of course all the otherbeliefs then follow after that which makes me blank blank blank blank blank unworthy unlovable like you knowterrible bad whatever else and and then because of the power of the emotional experience and the automatic beliefsystem that it was attached to that felt through that experience fundamentallychanged the way that I viewed myself in my life. Yeah. It's like, and I'm not going tohope I'm not putting this out there, but this 17-year-old attending this event,

Living Unattached

the, you know, the experience is one thing, but now if if he walks away witha deepseated belief or knowing in his soul that the world is not a safe place or he can'tcontrol anything for his own safety, or he can't ever speak up without beinghurt, um, If he starts believing things like that, then he starts acting acertain way in the world and that trauma fundamentally changes him and his life.That's right. So, Tyler, this sounds pretty doom andgloom what we're saying. Luckily, luckily that there is healing. It's areal thing. um we we can't really fully get awayum from trauma in our lives. It's part it's it comes part and parcel with living.Exactly. Um I was watch I watched too much TV over the weekend, Tyler. I I'mlaid up with an Achilles injury and I watched two documentaries. Um one ofthem was horrific. Um, this person did this horrible thing. I won't get intoit. Um, but she was in the documentary and at the end of it she was saying, "Yeah, but I had a lot of trauma in mylife." And and it's like, "Oh, okay. So, because you had a lot of trauma, you went off and did this horrible stuff."Um, another documentary that I watched was called Mully. And for anyone who hasa great show, I would recommend it. Yes. Yeah. And justnot to ruin the show for you, but this guy had massive amounts of trauma. Um,and he took that trauma and he he used it for good in the world. It he changedthe world because of the trauma that he had been through. Um, so what's thedifference between the two? The one the one guy realized that that trauma

Power of Surrender

It it's interesting watching his story that trauma actually helped him understand his purpose and through thatwound is where the light entered. Um he was able to feel the pain to sit in itto process it and to understand that there was a why to it. Um the otherwoman was unconscious. It was living inside of her and she was just reacting to it and started doing horrible things.and felt helpless to it. It owned her. It It dominated her. Um,not everybody who's been sexually abused becomes a an abuser,right, Tyler? And I'm not saying that to minimize anything, but but that trauma, you can take it and youcan move it and process it and and learn from it. Um, but but how?Yeah, you're getting into like the crux of the question now, Brandon. Because if we look at the definition, it's like,okay, this thing fundamentally changed me and I attach some kind of interpretation or meaning to that thing,which is normal. Everybody has that happen. And and so this parent who'sasking the question, it's think about think about in essence the map ofmeaning for this experience. And as a parent, what you're trying to do is you're trying to open up a place wherethere's the ability to have open processing. The brain the brain is looking for a way to put some order towhat just happened in a situation where there's probably not going to be a lot of order that is found. Um the brain'sgoing to have a hard time. But once the brain has order, it it's able to make that file, so to speak, and put it away and be like, "That was my experience ofX, Y, and Z." Um, so as a parent, you know, you've got your child who's just experienced this thing. You don'tnecessarily need to go overdo it. Don't go overchase it. Don't go over, but the brain is looking for a way to talkthrough things. And it's okay to be have a landing spot to be the landing spot for to encourage your child to process

The “Shoulds” Trap

through those things and help them in the construction of the meaning of what just took place. And then it leads to the process. And I was I use that wordprocess because it it takes sometimes it takes time and work and effort to move from this thing just happenedto the hell that it's now causing me as a result of the wrestle that I'm having with my beliefs, my feelings, the theexperience itself, flashbacks, whatever else to eventually what something that we call post-traumatic growth. Andpost-traumatic growth is where I I take the the thing that I just experienced that was the hell. And eventually itbecomes part of the catalyst into part of what makes me grow, what makes mehave more meaning, purpose, understanding, conviction, uh whatever else it is in our lives,right? So, I mean, one of the reasons why, one of the one of the reasons, there's lots of reasons, but one of thereasons why I ended up choosing to become a professional counselor was actually because of the help that Ireceived right after the thing happened with my friend. And there was like this I went to a couple little group sessionswhere the counselors, they were there and they just open up space for us to talk and process things. And in a worldthat I felt so terrible in and I felt like I couldn't reach out to anybody else, having a safe place just to talkthrough it with some compassion and understanding was extremely valuable.You you have to ju just to reiterate what you're saying, Tyler,

Soccer Sidelines

you have to feel to heal. Uh, and there's this this place, and I think Ithink the therapy world is is starting to realize this more and more. Um, if Ihave trauma and I go to you, Tyler, and I just start telling you about what happened and I'm just telling you whathappened, that's I mean, I'm describing it to you. Um, that's that's one littleway to process. That's also a protection that the brain does sometimes where it almost feelslike when you're talking to someone who's had massive trauma, they can keep everything from their neck above and they can talk and tell you all thedetails of like, yeah, when I was three, this happened. When I was five, this happened, when I was seven, and it's all just like this rational thing, but it'slike it's disconnected from the emotional part of the being. Yeah. The the thing that's challengingis in order to get to that place of growth, you have to take the risk ofsurrender in order to allow the process to happen. And I'm going to see if I can explainthis because it's hard to to grasp fully. Um,but you have to feel to heal. What we're going to do this weekend, Tyler, with Rising Sun, is take a lot of peoplewho've had a lot of trauma in their life and try to find that in EMDR. In EMDR,they call it your window of tolerance. You you find that space where your soulis open, your ego is unburdened, but you're in a safe setting so that you

First-World Problems

can go into the pain. Sit in the sit in the pain. And as you sit in that pain,whether it's through listening to music, crying, actually talking openly andvulnerably, experiencing what what happened, you start to release that energy that wentinside of you when you experienced that trauma. And you can't you can't just force itout. You can't talk it out. You can't shut down and just d you know, bury itreally really deep. That doesn't work. Um, and I really like what you saidabout a parent. I think a parent can be a place that is really safe and so can atherapist that is really safe for a 17-year-oldto just start to be vulnerable and open to cry in their armsum to to to open up about how they're feeling um just just to be there for them. So,

Flowing with Pressure

as a parent, you don't want to fix it. Um, you don't want to tell them everything's going to be okay. Uh, youjust want to get curious. You want to be you want to hold space is what you want to do so that they can have anexperience to start to process and move that energy.Exactly. I think just that that's that's beautiful, Brandon. And it could be dayto-day it's going to be different.Like there's going to be all the normal things that come with trauma. There's going to be numbness. There's going to be confusion. There's going to besadness. There's going to be anger. There's going to be there's going to be all sorts of different kinds of feelings. And a lot of times when we see

Equanimity

the people that we love in pain, we think that it's our job to make sure that the pain goes away instantly. Andso we hurry and tell them things that are like solutions to the problem or quick things like at least blank, atleast that, at least this, and and none of that really works. as well as being able to step into thespace where not only they can talk it through rationally, but they can be safeto be wherever they're at emotionally, you know. So, if they're numb one day, it's okay for them to be numb.Yeah. You know, and if they're sad one day, don't hurry and piece them back together. Let them cry. Let themprocess. Let the body do its job. Um, in fact, be a place that can receive that and facilitate that. You know, whenwe look at like emotion focus therapy, whenever there's a core emotion that starts to come up, which this trauma

Neutrality in Hardship

will bring up these core emotions, the therapist is supposed to amplify that emotion in the office, not try to getrid of it. Yeah. And so the therapist opens it up and says, "Tell me more. Man, it looks likeyou're feeling this." Or, "Wow, I can see your body's doing this." Like, what's that all about? And the therapist actually helps to facilitate theprocessing. Almost imagine like the the emotion is trapped deep inside and we're trying to open up almost like the heartchakra and say let it flow through. Come through. Yes. Come through. Like it's okay. Likeyou're safe. We're holding this this container, this space here for you. Comethrough with energy, with emotion, feelings, thoughts. Like just come moveit. Help help help this move forward. Tyler, I I watched uh golly, I I I'vebeen watching a lot of stuff lately, but I watched The Iron Claw. Oh, yeah.And h how talk about trauma. There's tons of trauma in that movie. Um

Business & Failure

but how did the parents like respond to all the emotion in that movie?Yeah. If you if you want an example of what not to do as a parent, watch that movie.Yeah. Like Yeah. They they they pretty much just like ignored all of the things thatwere going on in terms of the trauma that was happening and basically just continued to kind of soldier on andpretend like nothing had happened and told their kids just to to to deal with it basically. Which which led to what?Which led to more trauma. More and more trauma stacking itself on top of each other until like Yeah. Youhave to watch the movie. They're they're saying the family was cursed. And what's interesting is thecurse that the family had is that they refused to process and feel.It goes back to this definition. It's it wasn't the event itself that caused the trauma, but the meaning thatyou made out of the event. Yeah. And in that movie that that's exactly what it was. The curse,the family curse, so to speak, was the inability to process trauma. Which is interesting because the mom andthe dad prided themselves on being tough. just and and the reality is is they werethe opposite of that. They they weren't strong enough to actually feel.And it's it's weird. Our our society has that whole belief of of like the strongthing to do with when something like this traumatic happens is to like go to keep going to school, be tough, moveforward, and like, you know, don't let it don't let it just destroy your life,right? Which you don't want it to just destroy your life. And sometimes when you're in a flooded state, some healthydistraction is not a bad thing. But what you're getting at, Brandon, is but then we're taught to just shove everythingunder the rug and pretend like it's all gone and done. And then and then what ends up happening is it'll start to comeout sideways years later. And and uh ina certain sense, you can't really you can't, as you said earlier, Brandon,eventually you have to pay the piper through emotional processing to help with the healing and the changing of themeaning. If I learn if I learned something, if I learned that I'm a terrible person in a very emotionallycharged way, the only way that I'm going to really come to understand that I'm actually a really great person and awork in progress and someone who's okay to make mistakes is going to in part be through emotionally charged ways.Yeah. Right. Yeah. Explain that. What do what do you mean? I need to have an experience. So I needto I need to have something that's not just a head knowledge thing but a heart knowledge thing. Right? So, I'll giveyou an example. I I'm I was feeling really abandoned by God several yearsago and I went to this retreat. It was a John Eldridge retreat and they talk about this kind of concept of likebasically taking the arrow to your heart is how he you know and that he's talking about trauma that way. So, and the arrowto your heart is what the result was was Tyler, you're not good enough. Likeyou're only good enough if you perform well, right? So, I'm sitting there and I I recognized this. This is a new beliefI have. I know where it's all formed from in the terms of the way I've interpreted my world, right? And now I'msitting out here in in nature and I'm pondering these questions and I'm wrestling with God. I'm like, God, like,why aren't you here for me? Why can't you just love me without me having to perform? And I'm just like fighting withGod. Like, it's more of like a fight than a prayer. And I'm sitting out there in nature. I'm like huddled into thislike little group of bushes on a mountain side supposed to be journaling something and I'm having this wrestleand in the midst of it I heard and felt kind of a feeling and the the thought that came through my mind was like letme let me and I was like what like I'vebeen asking you to forever and then then I heard let me and then it dawned on meand it wasn't a head thing it was more of a heart opening of like I have been dictating to God how he'ssupposed to love me. And yet I look around my life now and I seemanifestations of God's love everywhere, but I didn't have the eyes. And I mean,I'm pointing at my eyes, but I'm actually holding my heart. I didn't have the heart to feel that because my ownbelief was getting in the way. And so I had to have an emotional experience. In this case, it was through nature andprayer. There have been other experiences that have come through things like EMDR or ART or even some IFSwork or a lot of the stuff that we do at the retreats. Same types of things like they're they're like whole bodyexperiences that are providing an opportunity for the new belief to be cemented in.That's that's great, Tyler. But you're telling me that if like I Ithink of all the people that we talk to on the show who are in these complex,crazy situations trying to figure out how to navigate. They've been hurt byanother person. They, you know, and it's likewhat you're saying is to get to a place of surrender. That's kind of what I'm hearing you say. Let Godin essence. Yes. Um so surrender in the sense of likesurrender is is not giving up. It's giving overthe the outcome that I think should be in my head and being open to the possibilities of whatever is is actuallyreal. So, I 1,000% totally completely agree with whatyou're saying, but that's a hard thing to grasp and and to accept.Yeah. But I think I think taking it the reason why I'm like really highlighting this isbecause taking it to that level is is sometimes what it takes to heal traumabecause it the the more you can surrender the more you can turn your will in your life over to the care ofGod, the more you're going to feel peace about the things that have happened in your life. It is the key to healing yourtrauma. But then you come back to but wait my myfixed mindset stuff like that should not happen and that should not think ofCharlie Kirk's wife right now. She'd have a good reason to be like no like that's not okay.That's like one of the worst things that could ever happen. And she's supposed to let God. She'ssupposed to to surrender and let God. And that's how she can heal.eventually through the process, right? That's the pathway forward eventually, but it doesn't mean there's not going tobe stops in those places of, yeah, it was wrong and it shouldn't have happened andpain, anguish, anger, all of that stuff. Yeah. All of the would have, should have, could like allof all of that stuff. You can't help but have that. But the the I think what we're getting at is there has to be theability to embrace that whole process. to give room for each of the stops onthe train line, so to speak, and say, "Yeah, like I'm I shouldn't be mad atmyself for being mad today. I I need to actually see what that anger is there for and what it's trying to teach me ordo for me right now." The sadness, I shouldn't hurry and shove that under the rug. I need to find asafe place and time and maybe a person to process it with and allow that sadness to flow through and see what ithas to do for me and what it's trying to teach me. Um, and that's where most of us we we're too afraid of the painfulside of emotions, especially when it comes to the really highly emotionally charged things that have already hurt usthat we we would rather find a therapist to justtalk through it only and keep it in our head. We would rather go numb ourselves out incessantly on social media ortelevision or something else, video games or something, rather than actually allow ourselves to have that flow ofemotion move through us and allow us a chance to process and and come to adifferent meaning and part of the story. Yeah. I Tyler I want to come back tojust the nuts and bolts of like if you're a parent and your child has been through something traumaticum like what to do uh what will be helpful. So here's some things and andplease add to this Tyler whatever I whatever comes up for you but the firstthing is what we what we already mentioned is your relationship with them is extremely important and the moretrust you have the more safety you have the more ability you have to hold space for them so that they can get to thatstate of process with you. You're not their therapist, but you are their parent who is supposed to protect themand supposed to create some safety for them. So, just like any listening skillsthat we talk about, get curious, validate, reflective, listen, show empathy, andhold space a and don't push it too hard, but theyneed to know that you are safe. So, anything to add to that, Tyler?No, I think that's really good as far as being a parent goes. The other thing that I would kind of just pay attentionto and and maybe create opportunity for is that processing sometimes happens in different kinds of ways. Um, there'snothing wrong if they want a little bit of alone time, but if they're all of a sudden every day down there depressed in their bedroom playing video games, thenthere's probably going to be some level of encouragement slashintervention to get get some movement going. And so alot of times people process things through movement. So going for walks,going for drives side to side by side rather than face to face. That can be a little bit of a safer form ofcommunication sometimes for some people. Um and again, you don't have to go pullit out of them. Just offer your presence. Yeah. We are not saying just like astheir parent, you're a safe space. And and if they go into a state of numbing out and you're like, "Well, I'm justsupposed to be safe, so do whatever you want." No, as a parent, you're there to protect them. If you see addictivebehaviors increase after trauma, then you want to you want to encourage themto feel, to process, to go into that. So, you're not loading them up with thewhat what do we say? Mountain Dew and video games. Yeah, exactly. You're not loading up with the MountainDew and video games. rather you're safe to actually process. Um,Tyler, with your trauma, did you did you haveflashbacks? Did it affect your sleep? Mhm. Did I don't want you to go into it toomuch. We're not in a therapy session. No. Yeah, I did. I think that's actuallypart of the reason why my pornography stuff increased was because I couldn't really sleep at night. And so I'd end upon the computer till 2 in the morning after everyone went to bed just looking for a way to like numb out. Um, andyeah, I did have flashbacks. In fact, still to this day, like I've done a I've done a lot of work and I've done some EMDR on this, which by the way, I wouldrecommend to this parent, like make available some of those treatments if your child is willing and wanting somehelp that way with EMDR or ART. Those would be the two that I'd recommend. But um I yeah, I did I I I still do, butthey don't This is what's about this definition we talked about earlier, like I can see still see in great detailcertain parts of those images now, but they don't light my body up like theyused to, right? Like I used to like have a flashback and then my whole body would be right back in that moment like likewhoa, I'm right here again and I'm doing first aid and d like and my you know I'm I'm in pure anxiety and my chest istight. I can't breathe. I'm flushed. It's like now I can look at that picture and when I look at that picture I stillremember that it happened but the meaning of it all has changed and the pain that that emotional charge hasdissipated over the years through the experiences partly through EMDR and I would say also through some of the otherkinds of experiential types of things that have gone on for me. Um but yeahfor sure. So, you're describing desensitization, and that's the goal is I had flashbackswith some of my trauma for a while. It's affected my sleep. Um, can you can startto see it in things like depression and anxiety. Um, so I if if it were my child,17-year-old, who this is a pretty unique situation, 17-year-old sees somebody getshot. um my child would be going to therapy and um doing specifically artand EMDR and just to just to start to desensitize that trauma. Um,so be a safe space. Provide the resource for them to they're not going tounderstand that wh why should I go do this weird therapy to to you know goback into that experience. But um adolescents can really respondwell to EMDR. They actually can do really well with EMDR um and art.So I would get them into therapy. I would be a safe space. Anything else,Tyler? Yeah. Then I would just provide opportunities for um for emotion to move and flow, whichmight be different kinds of activities. You know, it could be some nature stuff or some like I said, drives, walks,music, water, uh different different kinds of things where the body naturallywants to flow and move can be helpful in the processing of emotions as well.Yeah. Um, whoever asked this question, they are lucky that you're their parent.Um, it's awesome that you're thinking this way and um, that you really carethis much. And so, you're one of the those type of parents that can really help them move forward. And remember,it's a process and for all of us to heal our trauma.We're actually all in the process of healing trauma all the time. all the time.So, be patient with them. H this isn't going to go perfectly. It's not going tojust just work. It's it's a process. So, be engaged in the process of healing.get to that place that Tyler was just talking about of yeah, this horrible thing happened and it is horrible and itwill stay horrible, but it doesn't dictate my life and it doesn't dominate my thoughts and create anxiety and allof these other other symptoms because of the trauma just like Gabber Mate said.Yeah, thank you for submitting the question. Um, if you guys have more questions, therapyros.org or you caneither go and type us a question kind of like this one that we got to today or you can actually sign up to become acaller on the show. We would love to either have you on the show or try to answer your question on a day liketoday. So, therapyros.org. Thank you for being here with us anduntil next time, keep on keeping on.